INCEPTION

To tell the story of this insane game that I invented and its origins... I have to go back to my bachelor party. 

Back in 2013 I married the love of my life, Natalie. My brother, Doug, was my best man and was throwing my bachelor party (check out his blog here). He had a few events planned - golf (a round) and drinks afterward at a pub and the strippers. He called it Links, Drinks & Hijinks. With him being a graphic designer, he even made a few t-shirts for all of us. They were pretty awesome actually:

Mihi Crede is Latin for Trust Me. A saying I apparently say a lot

A day of debauchery set for July 6th, 2013. Unfortunately (or fortunately), it didn't turn out quite as planned.

Look at that ugly mug

We got up bright and early and Doug, my father - Mark, and myself stopped for an early breakfast at some breakfast joint on Edmonton trail called OEB Breakfast Co. It was good, but it's your typically trendy and ridiculously overpriced breakfast spot; so many of those places nowadays. After that, we headed down to my brothers then neighbourhood barber shop in Coventry Hills for a hot shave and haircut. 

As we were leaving the barber shop, it was looking pretty muggy and dark outside - it was going to rain. So Doug called an audible and we decided to skip the golf and move the party over to the gun range. 

We headed to The Shooting Centre. Doug booked us the Cinema Range. It's a German designed virtual range that involves firing live ammunition at a paper screen while they project video of animals, cars, cans, etc. You shoot at the screen and each bullet is individually tracked and checked against a projected image to determine a hit or a miss. Check out a video of the cinema range here, it was pretty killer! We shot a few guns... Beretta Storm Cx4 9mm, Glock 21 .45ACP, Norinco 1911A1 .45, .357 Magnum, AK-47, AR-15, and a lever action 1894 Winchester 30-30 (my fav). Check out the following clip:

A buncha dudes and their wieners on the BBQ

After the gun range, I had an idea to head to my father's house and have a sausage BBQ. "Pick up your sausage, wiener, bratwurst, whatever it is, and make it long and hot and your able to eat it between two buns." - direct quote from my brother's email/text invite.

But I had an alternative idea... I decided to play a game....a game that I came up with. I told Doug my plans, but no one else. He thought no one would partake, but said give it a go. After the BBQ I told everyone to come into my father's giant garage where I had a table and chairs set up.

So the idea I had was this...

I was on a kick of eating challenge videos. There were a few that I really liked:

Chuck From The Bronx

I came across this video clip on the web one day of a game of chance from the Japanese TV show called Downtown no Gaki no Tsukai ya Arahende!! (ダウンタウンのガキの使いやあらへんで!!) - which translates to Downtown's This Is No Task for Kids! The game I saw has since became Americanized and turned into a US TV show on MTV in June of 2009 called Silent Library. It had a slew of famous (and no-so-famous) guest celebrities such as Justin Bieber, Jimmy Fallon and the Roots, Jersey Shore, WWE Superstars, and much more.

The following clip is from Downtown's This Is No Task for Kids! from 2004. This was a major inspiration for the entire idea of SchneL's Game:

Another show that piqued my interest was an old television show from 1950 called Beat The Clock.  It was a game show hosted by Bud Collyer that involved contestants performing tasks called "problems" by Collyer, within a certain time limit which was counted down on a large 60-second clock. If they succeeded, they were said to have "beaten the clock" — otherwise, "the clock beat them". The show had several sponsors for its prizes which ranged from kids toys to appliances, with the most of the appliances coming from the electronics company Sylvania.

Most stunts in some way involved physical speed or dexterity. Events would often required them balancing something with some part of their body while racing back and forth on the stage, or some kind of target practice like throwing, rolling, bowling, etc.

The setup for the stunt often looked easy but then it'd have a complication or gimmick. For example, Collyer would say "All you have to do is stack four plates," they'd check the clock to see how much time they had to do it, and then he'd add, "Oh, and one more thing... you can't use your hands." Common twists included blindfolding one or both contestants, or telling them they could not use their hands, feet, or any body part that would be obvious to use for whatever the task was. Then Collyer would would add whipped cream, water, or pancake batter to some events to mess it up. 

It was a damn cool show for its time. I LOVE IT! I watched it religiously on the Game Show network when I had satellite back in the day. This was another huge inspiration. Check out this clip:

The last two influences for this game were my two favourite TV shows: Survivor and Fear Factor.

Fun Fact: I've seen every season of Survivor. EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE. I credit my win in the CJAY92 Live In It to Win It challenge when I won the Mustang to the skills I've pulled from that TV show. Read more about me winning a car in my blog: I Win Contests.

I only watched all the Fear Factor seasons when Joe Rogan was the host. I no longer watch the lame 2017 reboot with Ludacris... ugh.

Back in the day, both shows had an eating challenge. This always intrigued me and I knew I'd love doing it. So I marinated on it for a few years, and I made my perception a reality. Watch this clip:

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON I - LEE'S BACHELOR PARTY
SATURDAY JULY 6TH, 2013 — 2:30pm

So back to the bachelor party. I had all the guys sit around a poker table (I had a pretty decent one donated to me by my brother), and we'd all play a little game of chance that I invented. The idea and method of the SchneL's Game initially started like this:

  • Everyone that wants to play the hand places a red poker chip in the bag.

  • Lee replaces a certain number (depending on the event) of red poker chips with blue, green, and black poker chips.

    • Red poker chip - Lucky (pass)

    • Green poker chip - Designated GoPro video recorder of the event

    • Blue poker chip - Judge

    • Black poker chip - Unlucky

  • Everyone then draws a poker chip from the bag WITHOUT looking at it.

  • Everyone places their covered chip in the middle of the table, then a countdown is initiated to reveal their chips.

  • The person that chose the black chip must do the event or at least 50% of the challenge verified by the judges.

  • If they do not complete, or do less than 50% of the event, they then face the judge(s) and receive a slap(s) with the SchneL/FAH-Q oak hazing paddle.

And that's it. It basically took the pick method of Silent Library, the luck of the draw of poker, the eating challenges from numerous YouTubes, the risk-taking of Russian Roulette, the physical speed and dexterity of Beat The Clock, a lot of mind over matter by pushing your limits from both Survivor and Fear Factor, and a teensy bit of O'Bannion humiliation from the movie Dazed and Confused. Nothing but free will and consequence.

Don't ask how (or why) I fit this all together, I just did... and it worked!

I started off explaining the rules and everyone was VERY hesitant. They were all sitting around a table with me giving them the low-down on that some crazy shit was about to happen and they had no choice but to participate or we spank you. But really, I was just trying to freak them out... ok... some crazy shit WAS about to happen! They all knew me quite well and they all knew I was already a bit off, so this was going great!

I could see the worry in their eyes and smell their fear.

I said, "first off, there's nothing homosexual about what we want you to do. I mean, I was thinking you might be thinking we want you guys to do some like, weird sex thing, like suck us off, pee on us, shit like that, you know. Nothing! Nothing could be further from the truth!" This was a direct quote from one of my favourite directors, Quentin Tarantino from the awesome movie from 1995, Four Rooms. I then proceeded to the very first event of SchneL's Game... The Man From Rio.

The Man From Rio was based on an old Alfred Hitchcock short (another one of my favourite directors), called Man From The South, from the TV show Alfred Hitchcock Presents, that aired January 3rd, 1960. You might recognize the story... In a Las Vegas casino, an unpleasant little man, Carlos (Peter Lorre), makes a bet with a gambler (Steve McQueen), that the gambler can't light his cigarette lighter ten times; ten times in succession mind you. If he does, he wins Carlos' new car, "a convertible. This year's model," Carlos states. If he doesn't, Carlos gets to chop off the gambler's little pinky. Watch it in its entirety here:

You might recognize the plot. It was redone in the aforementioned flick, Four Rooms. It was the last of four short films that make up the movie, it was directed by Quentin Tarantino, and it was called The Man From Hollywood. In the short, Quentin Tarantino is a character in it and he says, "we now return you to The Man From Rio." It was based off of the Hitchcock short film, but there were changes. It was a bunch of dudes (Paul Calderon, Quentin Tarantino, and Bruce Willis) and a woman, Jennifer Beals, that were making the bet, and the bellhop, Tim Roth, that does the digit chopping.

It's an epic scene. One of my all time favorites in movie history for three reasons...

  1. It's an awesome writer/director paying an homage to an amazing writer/director.

  2. It's such an interesting series of events.

  3. The opening of this scene is one entire shot! I've added the entire clip below. From the 1:00 mark until 7:38 it is one entire shot. No cuts, no edits. One take. Unreal! Check it:

I had all the boys draw their poker chip from a Corona metal bucket (I now use a purple Crown Royal whisky bag), and not look at it. I then went behind an area in the garage I cordoned off and prepped the event. I had a green circular cutting board and a big silver dome I placed the items used for the event in. The SchneL/fah-q hazing paddle waited patiently on the table. Right then, Natalie's brother Nick, took off. He said he had something to do, but it was pretty funny and we all had a good laugh.

For The Man From Rio event I placed a giant cleaver and my lucky zippo under the dome. I brought the dome to the table, had all the guys place their hands in the middle of the table, then counted down 3... 2... 1... reveal! Whoever had the black chip had to do the event. It was my father.

I proceeded to tell the guys the story of the Hitchcock film and the Four Rooms relation (in a little less detail). I then removed the dome revealing the lighter and cleaver. They were a bit stunned.

A cleaver as sharp as the devil himself

I then mentioned we won't be using the cleaver, but instead, if my lucky zippo doesn't light 10 times, a spank is delivered directly to my father's ass. Neill drew the blue poker chip so he was the judge. There's usually three judges but for this instance, I just needed one. To spank.

My father bent over, Neill cocked the paddle, and I started to light the zippo.

It lit the first strike... lit the second strike... lit the third strike... misfire.
Neill felt bad and wouldn't spank him. I went over, took the paddle, and laid some heat. WHAM!

This was the start of the SchneL's Game.

The game went on and got progressively weirder... and grosser. There were 15 events and 13 people attended including me (my favorite number). I will not go into the details, but the following list of events and photos is provided below, in order of execution. The link is in the header of this season above, but it requires a password. If you'd like to watch, shoot me a message here and maybe... just maybe, I'll shoot it to you... or maybe not.

There were only seven spanks the whole game for two people — My father and Marc (Marc got six of those), although it felt like way more. I've been told the mental trauma runs deep with all the people who attended. The Surströmming is still the worst smell I have ever smelled in my entire life! My dad was gagging and puked it out. First puker!

I did mention to everyone attending, as awesome as the events that happened were, I didn't want to see ANY photos or videos of SchneL's Game on social media. It was a bachelor party after all and it's faux pas to show photos and videos of the sacred night.

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON II
SATURDAY JULY 5TH, 2014 — 2:30pm

After the wedding was over, guys would ask me about the bachelor party. I'd tell them about it and they thought we were crazy. People would say, "why would anybody go to that?!" To be honest, I thought the same thing, but decided the very next year, I'd do it again. I had a blast both hosting and playing, and I had so many more messed up ideas I could implement.

I sent out an email to everyone that attended to the first season and then a few more of my closest friends. In fact this became a tradition going forward for every season. If you attended one season, I will always personally invite you every season going forward. This time, because it wasn't a stag party, women were invited. I also allowed people to invite friends, and people could come and didn't have to play, they could just watch.

The method was the same: red chips in, green poker chip being the designated GoPro video recorder of the event, blue poker chip is a judge, and the infamous black poker chip was unlucky. One twist... in season I, If they didn't complete, or did less than 50%, they faced the judge(s) and received a slap(s) with the SchneL/FAH-Q oak hazing paddle. I found there weren't enough spanks in season I, so I upped the ante... now people had to complete at least 80% of the event rather than 50%.

I decided I hold it at the same place as last season; my father's garage. I was getting worried come game time. A few people didn't RSVP (which really pisses me off), and I didn't think it'd be as good as last season. Come game day... people came. A lot of people came. 26 people including me! My dad's garage is damn huge but we packed that garage and got rowdy. Standing room only.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner

I must admit, this was one topped the last season. The events were epic! I did my research and pushed the envelope. I spent a decent amount of cash sourcing rare, hard-to-get items from all over the world like Cooked Chicken in a Can, Miracle Berries, and even a $50 unopened bottle of Orbitz soda from eBay (it was 20 years old and my poor cousin Robbie had to drink it). I added an event that I termed All-Play where I replaced ALL the poker chips in the bag with black chips and everyone had to partake. Surprise! I even gave away a few prizes that I won from my serial winning steak like tickets to The Arkells, tickets to Blue Rodeo, and tickets to 50 Cent. It added a nice element and enticed people to play. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but damn it was good. 

Because the very first SchneL's Game was held on my bachelor party, and it's forbidden to take photos or videos of that night, I decided this would become the standard for every game going forward. No pictures or videos are to be shared afterwards. I kind of liked this idea because it keeps it word-of-mouth only and hypes it up a bit. Plus, I made a video of the last season and shared it with everyone that attended anyways. Another good reason not to share it is because some people are doing embarrassing events, getting spanked, or just having a great time and don't need everyone else in the world to view them. 

I started SchneL's Game with The Man From Rio again. It was a nice event to shock people off the bat and I really wanted someone to beat it; it didn't happen. Although I changed it to The Man From the South to honour Alfred Hitchcock rather than The Man From Rio. I also kept a few of the same events from last season like the Tough Guy Shot, the Sardine and Anchovy Shot I had to do last season, and the Dollop of Wasabi. I even threw in some pop-culture referenced events like the Twinkie Wiener Sandwich from UHF and the Al Bundy toothpaste sandwich from Married With Children. They did 'em all too! This season, we had a pregnant lady there too, Miranda. 

27 people attended including me and there were 21 events. It was a full house and it went on a bit too long. People were getting hammered. It was one for the books for sure.

Again, I will not go into the details to protect the innocent, but the following list of events and photos is provided below. The link to the full video is in the header of this season, but it also requires a password. Good luck with that. There are also two password-free videos below (The Not-So-Happy-Meal and Duel):

This crowd was great! Good times. There were a total of 14 spanks given out this season. Exactly double last season. The paddle was getting some use now. 

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON III
SATURDAY MAY 30TH, 2015 — 3:00pm

This season, as usual, I sent out invites to everyone who attended all previous seasons, and a few more of my friends. But I knew I had to out-do the last two seasons... so I decided to switch it up a bit.

First, I changed the chip color scheme. This season, the green poker chip was lucky (pass), this just made more sense as green meant go. The red poker chip now was the designated GoPro video recorder of the event, the blue poker chip would determine the judges, and the black poker chip was still unlucky.

His hands illustrate how he was feeling

Second, I decided to name all the events. For each event, I designed a print-out that showed the unlucky black poker chip with the name of the event. The name would be something puny or tongue-in-cheek that kind of revealed what the event was without revealing too much and still keeping them guessing. I then used double-sided tape and attached it to the top of the dome when I brought out each event. That way it gave kind of a hint as to what to expect.

Third, I created Battles. These required two or more people duking it out and the loser getting spanked. These turned out great and added a whole new level of competition.

And Four, for the final event, I created the Gladiator Duel. This consisted of two people going head-to-head with multiple items to complete before the other person. The loser was spanked by the winner, and the winner was declared the Gladiator. It was great because my father got one of the black chips in the first ever Gladiator Duel. Perfect!

I swear Natty just came for the food.

Ironically, we had two pregnant ladies again. This time, Marketa was pregnant with her and Frazer's daughter Božena, and my wife Natalie with our son Charlie. I don't know what it is, but this seemed to be a new trend.

One of my friends that I've known since I was in grade two, Dustin, brought his smoker and a giant ham. We smoked it for a few hours and chowed down. It was gawd-damn-delicious! Natalie cut up some fruits and brought a bunch of chips, and my friend Erin brought snacks and dessert. It was quite a feast! I thought that was a nice touch as they offered to help me organize this event as I usually do it all by myself. 

Another kind outside contribution was from my bro, Doug. Being super-creative like he is, he whipped up six teaser posters for this season. They were really well done and illustrated items from the previous season. I used these on social media to hype it up. Doug also came up with the slogan, See the show. Be the show. To be honest, after that it just kinda stuck. I use that every season now when hyping on social media. One talented dude my bro.

Click the image below to transition between all six posters he created, check them out:

I changed completion for the judges back to 50% as I knew a few events I got for this season were pretty harsh. Although it didn't really matter... people took a paddlin' pretty bad this season.

I always try out-do each previous season and this crowd made it happen. It got a little fishy, Brad and I ate raw testicles, Sean puked from the Hákarl (and he volunteered after Frazer did it to try it - see the blooper reel below - second person to puke at SchneL's Game), my father had to down a live goldfish (so did Colin), Miranda literally ate brains Silence of the Lambs style, and I even surprised my sister Kristel with a cupcake and gifts from myself, Natalie, Doug, and my dad. It just keeps getting better. Good friends, and a good time.

Season III risk-takers

This season, 20 people attended including me and there were 21 events just like last season. For some reason this season went fast. Almost too fast. We finished and it was early evening. No one was really hammered and we ended it around 9pm. Weird.

The following list of events and photos is provided below. The link to the full video is in the header of this season, but as usual in this post, it requires a password. Gotta keep all this video gold under lock and key yo! 

If you want to watch a few snippets from this season, I put together a little gag reel. No password required, check it:

I always make a video afterwards of the entire SchneL's Game season and share it with everyone that attended. Although I found out that people decided not to come and said that they just want to watch the video once I complete it. Nope! That's not how it works. I keep these vids under wraps for that exact reason. Play and you watch. Don't attend... too bad.

Dustin won three out of four of the freebies, and Tony got the most black chips with four. This was Tony's first time attending too - beginner's luck. There were a total of 20 spanks. Six more than last season. New record! Technically there should've been 21 spanks, but we clear that up in the first event next season. 

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON IV
SATURDAY JULY 30TH, 2016 — 4:20pm

At the time of this SchneL's Game, I was in a stretch of peak-winning. I was entering contests like mad, and slaying! See my 2016 wins here. I entered a contest from a local company called Goat Locker Brewing Company. They had a contest where they would come to your party, supply beer and snacks, and bring a goat. I thought this would be perfect. I entered and unfortunately came in second so we didn't get the beers, food, and goat (which would've been epic). They did however, provide some swag that I gave away as prizes during the game.

My father's garage

As usual I added a few different components to SchneL's Game just to switch it up a bit.

First, I upped the ante for completion of events. I found that people weren't pushing the envelope and only doing 50% of the challenge as required by the judges. So I changed completion for judges back to at least 80% of the event rather than 50%.

Second, I always loved the tough guy shot. It was from when my bro and I entered the 2006 Big Rock Eddies and Doug did it in our video submission. Check it here. It consists of drinking a shot of tequila, snorting a line of salt, and squeezing the lemon in your eye. It's been in every SchneL's Game. So this time, I did it for the very first event and called it Welcome Initiation. We had a bunch of newbies this season and I had only the new people draw. 

Third, I had the next two events divided by guys and gals. The second event was called Ladies First. I had only women draw and I had the person who got the black chip wear a fake moustache the whole game. My sister drew, it was perfect! Unfortunately the moustache didn't stay to well and lasted like 1/2 hour. The guys draw was called Gentlemen's Draw. Only I had a clip-on man bun for whichever dude got the black chip. Tony got it. He looked like E. Honda! Hilarious!

Ironic how Tanice is eating a salad. This event was called Lettuce Eat in Piece

Fourth, because the social media restriction for SchneL's Game, I thought it'd be cool to stream an event live. Facebook just came out with Live Stream so I used that and streamed Eat Fresh. This event was used before in the last two seasons and required some sort of meal blended up in a food processor into a smoothie-style consistency and drank. This season I used a six-inch tuna sub, garden salsa, sun chips, and Crystal Pepsi. Worked well. I couldn't play the music during the event because I use my phone for music, and I used my phone to stream, so it was eerily quiet during this event. Vince had to chug it but he just couldn't do it. However he did go shirtless. Kudos for the added effort. See the pic below in the list of events. So good!

Fifth, I added an event of ten questions that I asked a person about myself. I called it Get It Right. It was based on Billy Eichner's TV gameshow called Billy On The Street. He asks questions to random people in New York and gives away money. The event I planned was much like his Quizzed In The Face game. Check it:

The first six were actual questions about me, and the last four were subjective, so they had to answer how I'd answer them. See the list of questions and lifelines here. For all ten questions, if they got the answer right, they had to take a drink of a Japanese Pepsi called Pepsi Strong (with a higher than normal carbonation and caffeine content). If they got the answer wrong, they had to take a shot of anchovy paste. And let me tell you... that stuff was nasty! Erin got the black chip. She did well, answering six out of ten correctly. That means she got four wrong which equated to four shots of anchovy paste. And on the fourth shot, she puked. Officially the third person to puke at SchneL's Game. During this event I realized that ten was waaay too many questions to ask. It went on too long and Erin got the brunt of it. Poor Erin. 

And finally, sixth, I gave away prizes to whoever won the battles. With there being a bunch of battles this season, I went to the ol' Salvation Army and grabbed a bunch of stuff to give away. The Fifty Shades of Grey novel, Space Jam VHS, a James Bond compilation record, and a hilarious Rappin' for Jesus cassette tape. I gave away the Goat Locker Brewing Company pint glass, and threw in some Japanese items I ordered in direct from the far east: gummy hamburger candy, spicy curry Doritos, Pringles mushroom flavoured chips, and gummy sushi candy.

I once again saved the Gladiator Duel for last. This seasons' duel was pretty brutal too. One Thai pepper, one milkbone, then another Thai pepper, a spoon of Marmite, then another Thai pepper, and half of a century egg salad sandwich. In the three times I've tried someone to get at least one person to eat the century egg, it has yet to be completed. While making these sandwiches, Natty and I almost puked. They were nasty! This season I decided to make a trophy to hand out to the champion. It turned out pretty nice!

First ever Gladiator Duel trophy

This season we had 23 people (including me), and 22 events, the most events yet! Because there were so many events, and I had to keep track of the order of events, battles, all plays, prizes, and components of each event all by myself, I created a Ref List. It was a list of everything for me to keep the game on track, all the while hosting. It helped immensely. And as usual, we had a pregnant lady, Kristy. She was pregnant with her and Dustin's daughter, Alice. And even though I forbid anyone under the age 18 to attend, Charlie stopped by before we started to say hi.

He was going to grandma's for the night so mom and dad could rip it up

As I was making the video from last season, I realized after the Gladiator Duel we didn't spank Colin for giving up. So right off the bat, we had a spank to deliver. Off to a good start.

The events and photos are as follows. The link to the full video is in the header of this season, but as you know, needs a password. Ask me what it is, or just throw out random guesses... maybe you'll get lucky.

  • Revenge (Mark spanked Colin) - Unresolved from Season III (not filmed); SPANKED x1

  • Welcome Initiation (tough guy shots) - James and Vince; COMPLETED

  • Ladies First (moustache) - Kristel; COMPLETED

  • Gentlemen's Draw (man bun) - Tony; COMPLETED

  • Blonde Whip (mayonnaise Barbie) - John; COMPLETED

  • Get It Right (ten questions about Lee, Anchovy paste, Japanese Pepsi Strong) - Erin; COMPLETED (six out of ten right)

  • Battle: A Tight Blow (pantyhose on head and blow out a candle) - Dave and Vince; Vince won, Dave lost SPANKED x3

  • They're Gr-r-reat! (Cheetos and milk) - Brenda; COMPLETED

  • Battle: Lettuce Eat in Piece (eat a full head of lettuce in three minutes) - John and Tony; Tony won, John lost SPANKED x3

  • Battle: Electric Bugaloo (finger shocker with the Pie Face game using whip cream and dried bug mixture) - Dave, Dustin, John, and Kathryn; Dustin lost

  • Battle: Flight 666 (race involving downing shots of Frank's hot sauce, condensed milk, fish sauce, apple cider vinegar, and coconut oil) - Doug and Kathryn; Doug won, Kathryn lost SPANKED x3

  • Just the Two of Us (happy anniversary to Colin and Erin) - Gave a bottle of champagne and picture in frame to Colin and Erin as it was their anniversary (not filmed)

  • 1SE - Meant to take a video for my 1 Second Everyday app but forgot and took a break instead (not filmed)

  • Battle: Fruit Ninja (throw two cards into a watermelon) - Doug and Natalie; Natalie won, Doug lost SPANKED x3

  • Live Stream: Eat Fresh (blended 6" tuna sub, garden salsa, sun chips, and Crystal Pepsi) - Vince; SPANKED x3

  • Smack My Bitch Up (flyswatter on fan - then on drill) - Lee; COMPLETED

  • Doug Caught Cheating by Mark; SPANKED x1

  • Chug Life (chug a can of beer through a cooked pig ear) - Mark; COMPLETED

  • Battle: The Bitter Taste of Defeat (blow an edible bug in tube) - Erin and John; John won, Erin lost SPANKED x3

  • Catch the Freshmaker (drop Mentos in Diet Coke and drink) - Tony; COMPLETED

  • Battle: Two Go in One Comes Out (egg Russian roulette) - Erin and John; Erin won, John lost

  • What Charlie Left Behind (take a bite and eat a piece of cooked liver that people think is placenta) - Kathryn (Vince did it for her); COMPLETED

  • What Am I Smeeling?
    1. Chad feels/Shane smells - tube sock, blue cheese, Alpha Getti
    2. Shane feels/Chad smells - croutons, Irish Spring liquid soap, flip phone
    3. Chad feels/Shane smells - cat food, tampon, stuffed teddy bear
    - Chad and Shane (they volunteered); COMPLETED

  • Song of my People (play a harmonica for one minute that is in a fish mouth) - John; COMPLETED

  • Battle: Gladiator Duel (Thai chili pepper, Milk-bone dog biscuit, then another Thai chili pepper, spoon of Marmite, then yet another Thai chili pepper, and then half of a century egg salad sandwich) - Colin and Doug; Colin forfeited and Mark volunteered to take on Doug, Mark WON by popular vote as both didn't finish, Colin SPANKED x3 and Doug SPANKED x1

Poor John got five events. This was the most events by a single person in one season. A close second is Tony with four last season. It's ironic because when I won the Ford Mustang convertible, John was one of the people in the competition with me and it came down to him and I, with me winning. Read more about the Ford Mustang convertible contest here.

In total, there were 25 spanks dolled out, one was even voluntary! Five more that last season, and the highest spank of all previous seasons! Vince had the BEST SPANK EVER! One of the attendees was feeling the spirits at the end of the game and asked to be spanked. I told Vince not to hold back. Vince laid the heat. EPIC!

I bet that hurt for a few days

Erin puked during Get It Right, but so did my father during the Gladiator Duel eating the century egg salad sandwich. He wanted to complete the challenge, so he kept trying and taking bites in between gags. In the end, the sandwich won. This officially made my dad the fourth puker at SchneL's Game (he also puked in the first season too), but he did win his second Gladiator Duel. My father is the man!

With so many events, this one went well into the night. People were even dropping off near the end because it was so long. The hardcores stayed, and we tied one on. A bottle of tequila, a 60oz of vodka, and a 60oz of whiskey appeared on the table after the Gladiator Duel and we went until 5:30am. Lets just say the next day was rough.

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON V
SATURDAY JUNE 17TH, 2017 — 2:00pm

This season, I thought it'd be cool to create a short teaser video (1:18), to send out to peeps to get them to come. I included past events, a bunch of spanks, the date it was being held, and a wee bit o' Jimi Hendrix. Check it here:

I changed up a few things again... I changed the required completion of each event back to 50%. I thought 80% was a bit much. After this season though, 80% is where I'll keep it from now on. 50% seems to easy and people give up the moment they complete half. No fun.

Good crowd, good people, good fun

I charged everyone a $10 cover charge. I told them this was to cover the cost of food, supplies, and to but the events, when actually it was for a surprise event that was a 50/50 draw. I gathered $10 from everyone that attended (except people like my father who hosted the event, Erin who brought dessert, and a few more who contributed to SchneL's Game this season). I ended up with $170 in total. So I split it and gave away $85. The funny thing was, my father wasn't playing all game and I said you're playing this round and put a chip in. He got it!

50/50 win

The color prize hint and Stamps seasons tickets

Usually I give away prizes. This season, every time there was a prize, I colored the label on the event title card. No other events had color. It was like The Sixth Sense where color plays an important role. No one caught on though.

One of the best events in any season was donated from Malissa. Not only did she donate prizes such as movie tickets, a Bowling Depot gift certificate, and Flying Squirrel gift certificates, she donated the biggest prize ever... seasons tickets to the Calgary Stampeders! It was amazing! Mitch won and it was epic! Even I was jealous!

This year was pretty damn good. A few events included a live goldfish, scorpion vodka, a couple of MAGA hats as prizes, an epic penis cup as a prize, electric dog shock collars, and a tortilla chip that had a Scoville unit of 2,200,000! Good times!

The leftovers

There were 24 people that came (including me), and a total of 19 events this season.

In season V, 28 spanks were peppered out. Three more that last season, and the highest spank count to date! Every season it gets higher and higher. To be honest, 28 is pretty high. I don't think I'll ever be able to top that.

That's a paddling

Over the last few years, people (including Sean and my brother, Doug), were starting to double up their underwear in hopes it'll soften the blow on the paddling. This led me to make another rule stating that if you're caught wearing any sort of extra padding... you get a paddling. Sounds ridiculous I know. I can't believe I even need to make this rule?!

After the game Natalie and Charlie showed up. Nat was six months pregnant with our daughter Elle, keeping the tradition of a pregnant lady in attendance of every season of the SchneL's Game except my bachelor party.

A lot of adult things just happened here kiddo

We we're done a bit early and a few peeps stuck around to chill. We cleaned, had a few drinks, and went home. It was a nice calm evening - a very stark contrast from last season.

End of the night

If you want to watch a few snippets from this season, I put together a little gag reel. No password required, check it:

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON VI
SATURDAY JULY 28TH, 2018 — 4:20pm

SIX YEARS! It seriously keeps getting better and better.

My biggest fear holding these events is that I always worry that I’ll run out of ideas. However, I have enough big ticket events planned out on a note on my iPhone to last me until season X. I also have worry dreams that the game is THAT night and I have nothing planned or ordered. People show up and I’m like Jeff Probst, “I got nothin’ for ya.” Those dreams are as bad as the server dreams I have where I’m waiting on tables again. In the dream, I take the table’s drink order, go get it, and when I finally head back to the table, I forget where they are! Then I have a bit of lucidity and say, “why the fuck am I waiting tables?!” Then I rip off my apron and quit. I wake up almost immediately after that.

It’s been six years of entertaining these crazy Psychonauts I call my friends. I have to keep on my toes and up the ante making each year better than the last. It gets me to try new and strange things I usually never would and has my friends trying unique items from all over the world that often pushes their physical and mental limits. Coincidentally, people that usually attend one game keep coming back year after year. It must mean I’m doing something right.

My season VI tribe

Season VI I did another sneak peek trailer early in the year to get ‘em all pumped up. It's pretty cool because I used clips from every season of SchneL's Game. It’s only 0:49 long, but it packs a punch. Check it:

I stated in the teaser trailer that it’d be the worst year yet… and it was. First, I planned an event that would guarantee a puke. The name of the event was If You’re Gonna Spew. The name was a nod to Garth in Wayne’s World and consisted of someone chugging two litres of Sprite and eating two bananas. This was a popular challenge on YouTube and almost always ended with a hurl. The reason people throw up is because it’s too much food and drink ingested within a short period; the human stomach can only hold around two cups. Check out my fav YouTuber LA Beast taking it to the max here. Before the game, Tina (my aunt’s friend) and I were talking. It was her first time at the game and I was telling her about it. She asked if anyone has ever puked playing this game. I mentioned that I have one event that is a guaranteed puke this year. And guess what… she got it. And yes… she puked. This officially made her the fifth puker at SchneL’s Game.

Bananas and Sprite… easy, right?

I also had a couple events that guaranteed people getting paddled. One was called Tasting Blind. I’m a HUGE fan of Hell’s Kitchen, and every year Gordon Ramsay does the Blind Taste Test. It challenges the chef’s sense of taste while they’re blindfolded and have noise cancelling headphones on. He gives them all kinds of different items like gummi worms, oysters, baby food, pop rocks, and horseradish. I did all five of those items for this event. I was hoping no one would have a sophisticated palate. Hell I know I don’t! Unfortunately, Tina got it again along with James. She got two wrong so she got two spanks, and James got three wrong and got three spanks.

Sweet pea baby food. Took a paddlin’ for that one

The other guaranteed spank was Eggcellent Nog. This has always been the one of the toughest challenges in my game… the century egg. Also known as preserved egg, hundred-year egg, thousand-year egg, thousand-year-old egg, millennium egg, skin egg, and black egg. It’s a Chinese preserved food product (and delicacy) that I get from a local asian grocery called T&T Supermarket. It’s made by preserving duck, chicken, or quail eggs in a mixture of clay, ash, salt, quicklime, and rice hulls for several weeks to months—depending on the method of processing. It is RANCID!

Just looking at this photo makes me gag… yuck!

It’s been an event at three separate occasions throughout the years: season I - Marc; not completed, season II -Erin; not completed, and season IV - my dad (as an egg-salad sandwich); not completed and he puked. This year I was going to blend it up, add some milk, and add a touch of cinnamon. Kathryn pulled the black chip, and as soon as I lifted the dome to reveal the eggs she said, “nope, not doing that. Nope!” I thought, again… the egg prevailed. Then, Tina and Tyler decided to give it a try. Tyler lasted a few chews and spit it out. Tina however, continued. She said, “it’s not that bad!” She continued and ate THE WHOLE EGG! No gagging, no puking. The egg met its maker. It couldn’t make me more happy because trust me… that shit STUNK!

I always keep what I call a Ref List. This is my event list that I keep hidden behind the curtain. It lets me know what events are coming up and which ones have prizes. The blue P’s are prizes, the red 1SE is to remind me to take my One Second Everyday (because I forgot to during season IV), and the gold award is a reminder to award the champion the trophy after the Gladiator.

This year, I didn’t have ANY events that were prizes. None. Not because I haven’t been winning as much as I used to (read more about that here), but because I themed “worst year yet”, so I had to make it just that. No wins, all paddling. Speaking of paddling… poor James. His ass took a beating. The black chip was his friend this year. At 24 minutes into the game, he had already received eight spanks. By the end of the game, he received three more bringing his total to 11. He is now the all-time record holder for most spanks per game. Ouch, poor guy.

One of the coolest all-play events I ever had was this year’s Electric Feel. It was these flowers I ordered from the USA called Acmella Oleracea or buzz buttons. Check ‘em out here. They’re a Brazilian flower that you eat and they leave a tingling sensation in your mouth for about 5-15 minutes. It’s much like putting your tongue on a 9-volt battery. They’ve been known to be used on toothaches or added to food to enhance the experience. They don’t get you high, but as Marc stated after trying them, “it’s like there’s a bee in my mouth and it’s not stinging me.” They were the crowd pleaser this year. I so want more! Order them here and try them yourself.

A must-try—Buzz Buttons

About the gladiator… this year was a doozy! It had its fair share of controversy as well. I’ll explain.

The chips were drawn and fate decided it was Dave and Shane. Dave puked five minutes before this event due to him taking a Death Nut from the previous challenge. He has a bad stomach and I told him not to. He did anyway and paid for it. This officially made him puker #5 at SchneL’s Game.

The Gladiator consisted of the following:

As always, the Gladiator is first to finish, but I felt bad for Dave hurling and having a bad stomach so I said “you only have to do 80%.” Dave was still saying he couldn’t do 80%, so I said, “ok, let’s make it 50%.” We had three judges determined by the random chip draw - Miranda (who was biased because she was Dave’s wife), Tyler (who was biased because he is Shane’s best friend), and Tony. Tony was the redundancy. That’s why I always have three judges, to keep it balanced.

Dave, the three judges (Miranda, Tony, and Tyler), and Shane

Because of the “worst year yet” theme, this event was pretty crazy. Everyone knew it too, even the judges. So I said first to 50%. I reminded the judges before it started to call it once someone hits 50%.

The event began. They were both fiends out of the gate. Chugging, eating, feet submerged. About five minutes in, they really slowed down. Shane mixed his syrup with the spicy ramen, Dave was spitting ramen in the garbage, and both were having a really hard time with the peanut butter cups—they were really dry. It was deadlocked. Both were at the exact same amounts with Shane having a slight edge. Dave finally said he couldn’t take it anymore and stepped outside and puked again. Now when I say puked, I mean emptied the entire contents of any source of sustenance within his body along with some of the stomach lining coating it. It was a hurl of mass proportions. This officially made Dave the sixth puker at SchneL’s Game now holding two spots.

Shane continued to eat. The judges were undecided because it was EXTREMELY close and two of them were biased anyway. This was the closest it’s ever been in six years. Take a look at the following photo, it was damn close. Because the judges couldn’t come to a mutual decision, and with Dave puking, we stopped it. So in the end I called it—Shane. I felt Shane had the slight edge. That, and he kept it down. Gladiators don’t puke.

It was a tough one to judge

The worst part… Colin as the designated GoPro’er didn’t film the last part of the challenge. We have no video evidence to base a video-photo-finish on. The video stops as Dave says “I think I’m done” and doesn’t resume until I make the call. I thought Colin might’ve deleted the footage of his friend puking to save him the embarrassment, but GoPro files are sequential; it was stopped and then resumed. Boo!

To be honest, I should’ve told Dave he couldn’t compete. He has a bad stomach and he literally puked right before this event. I should’ve redrawn his chip and not modified rules to compensate. And I should’ve stuck with the original Gladiator rules—first to finish. Plus, there were so many items involved that it was tough to differentiate 50% between the two. Oh well, no more handicaps. I know this going forward and I’ve simplified it for next season to prove a point.

There were 21 people that came (including me), and a total of 20 events this season.

In season VI, 27 spanks were delivered; one less than last season. But we didn’t spank Dave for losing the Gladiator. That one paddle we forgot would’ve tied last year’s all-time record spank count. We forgot to spank the Gladiator loser in season III as well, so we did it at the start of season IV; Mark spanked Colin.

The rest of the night was a debate about the Gladiator event while we feasted over some smoked ham my father made. Erin brought some munchies, dip, and desserts as usual, and we all had a few bevies and relaxed. All in all… it was a really great year.

As usual, I compiled a blooper & highlight reel. Although this year I added a Spankilation (a compilation of all the spanks), so that video was only sent out to those who attended (just like the full video), to protect those who don’t want people seeing their ass being paddled on the internet and save them the embarrassment. You can contact me for the password if you really want to watch it, but hey, I did a little slideshow of all the pics collected this year and it’s free to watch! Check it:

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON VII
SATURDAY JULY 13TH, 2019 — 6:00pm

YEAR SEVEN! How crazy is that! If you would’ve asked me in 2013 if I’d still be doing this, it would’ve been a hard no. But yet, here we are. SchneL's Game season VII was held on July 13th 2019 at 6:00pm. I sent out the usual teaser trailer to get everyone stoked. See below:

A very cool birthday present from my bro Doug for 2019 was two new SchneL’s Game banners. They were set up and added a very nice branding touch. I can use them every year too. Thanks bro!

The setup at 3am the day of

And as usual, I had my ref list to keep me organized. The blue P’s indicate prizes for the winner, green A’s are All-Plays where every chip is the black chip, the red 1SE is to remind me to get my 1 Second Everyday video, and the gold Award is a reminder to give out the Gladiator trophy at the end.

This year’s theme was The Seven Deadly Sins; envy, pride, greed, sloth, wrath, gluttony, and lust. I included each of these into seven different events. To start it off, I did the usual Welcome Initiation for envy because no one envies doing that. It consisted of all the new people (I refer to them as new bloods), drawing for the chip. It was the Tough Guy shot; snort the salt, shoot the liquor, and squeeze a lime in your eye. In season VI, I had all the new bloods sit at the table and then I said, “please look under your seats… you’ll find there is nothing there” as a joke. This season I actually planted two chips in envelopes under their chairs! Gene and Laura got the envelopes but another newbie showed up a bit late and missed the intro, Rod (Tina’s son). I told him, ”this is a game of choice and consequence, you have a choice, you can either sit and watch what is about to unfold, or take an envelope from Gene or Laura.” He choose poorly, took the envelope from Gene, and had to do the Tough Guy shot. Natalie and I joined in and included my Bruce Lee Shotski.

Nat did tequila and Laura, Rod, and I did the Bamboo worm vodka. Laura and Rod had half the worm each

For pride, I bought a spinner wheel from Ikea and created a legend of what they had to do when they landed on a certain colour. I used this for pride as I included a cash prize on each, and if they win money they’d be proud. It was pretty damn cool. First up was Colin. He realized he was probably going to get a spank as he does not like bugs. He spun and surprisingly landed on the $20. I gave him a choice that he could either take the money or spin again, and if he lands on the $20 again, I’ll double it. He politely declined and took the $20. House loses. D’oh! Next up was Neill. He spun, and again, landed on the $50! Damn it. I offered him the same choice, and with everybody chanting “Double it! Double it!”, so he spun again. Phew, I was going to be out $70 at this point. Unfortunately (or fortunately in my case), he landed on the freeze-dried grasshoppers. He downed them like a champ and said “not bad.” The final Wheel of Pride was my cousin, Chad. He spun and (thank god no cash) got chicken feet. He also nommed his way though those no prob. It was a great set of three different events.

No one got the freeze-dried tarantula. It’ll be back in season VIII

Next up, greed. Before everyone came, I asked them (including their guests–playing or not), to bring a monetary donation of their choice. It could be any amount–a penny, $5, $20, whatever. Everyone that came donated. On average the amount donated was $20. One particular couple, my friends Neill and Cassandra brought a bin FULL of pennies. Approximately 15,000 of ‘em (roughly $150)! I called the greed event Five or More and it was going to be a 50/50 of the money–I keep half for funding the game, and the other half to whoever gets the black chip. The plan was that I would give away 50% of the monetary donations to the person who got the black chip ONLY if they donated $5 or more, but because all of my friends are so damn generous, there wasn’t one donation under $10. All of the monetary donations were added together to a grand total of $650 (including the pennies). I decided to keep all the pennies for myself (I might do a penny floor one of these years), and I donated the remaining $500 as a cash prize. Natalie went around to collect the chips and told everyone, “if there’s an event to play, it’s this one.” Erin ended up getting the black chip and winning the cash. It’s funny because she played zero hands this year and only played that one because Natalie suggested it. Erin was also our token pregnant woman this year, hence the reason why she wasn’t playing. Sometimes you actually want that black chip.

Sloth was the next deadly sin. It was called Big Jugs. There were four black chips. Colin, James, Kathryn, and Laura played. It required them to hold an empty large glass beer stein at 90° straight in front of them. First, Laura dropped, then James, then Colin. Kathryn killed it and probably could’ve went all night. As a prize I awarded her with The Avengers Infinity Gauntlet.

Natalie and I tested it and we could barely make it past two minutes

The next sin, gluttony, was a usual fan favourite event I do almost every year–the smoothie. This year it was called Oh Thank Heaven. I grabbed nachos with chili and tons of cheese, and a medium Slurpee from 7-11. James pulled the black chip. Natalie poured the slurpee, nachos, cheese and chili into a food processor and whipped it up. It was the perfect consistency. James drank it down like it was no big deal. After however, he did seem a bit throwupy for a second, but nothing came back.

Doesn’t look the best does it?

For wrath I decided to go with something spicy. I watched this YouTube of a guy sitting in his truck eating a Black Reaper infused chocolate. It was hilarious! Watch it here. So I ordered two. They’re called Cocoa Loco. Colin and Darcy pulled the black chip. Colin said no as it was a first to finish event so he took the spank. So it was just Darcy. I offered it up to someone else to join him in the event and Gene, a new blood, jumped in. I also had a few dried Carolina Reaper peppers. A few people took those as well. It was a hot one in here so I decided to play Nelly’s Hot in Herre. They started off and Gene took the entire chocolate in a couple bites; Darcy never finished and took the three spanks.

The last event, is the Gladiator. So I saved the best sin for last… lust. For this Gladiator, and the mess that was two seasons ago, I thought I’d go back to its roots. Keep it simple, yet memorable. I also thought it would be great to get a naked woman deliver the Gladiator event. My wife Natalie said, “if you’re going to get a naked woman, get a naked man too!” So I did. I tried to hire a man and woman on Craigslist to come to my game at a certain time, get naked, walk in and deliver the boxes, and walk out. Well, that was a mistake. There were TONS of responses. Surprisingly women sent pics, men did not (thank god), but they were all 100% crazies. In the end I went with a professional stripper service. If you ever need a stripper, let me know, I highly recommend this place. The two strippers showed up, walked in, and delivered the two boxes, much to everyone’s disbelief. I played Because by The Beatles off of The Beatles Anthology Disc III when they walked in. The video is priceless.

Fermentation continues in the can which causes it to bulge

Chad and Tina pulled the black chips. With the two boxes in front of them, I had them make a choice, “which box do you want?” They both decided to choose the box that was placed in front of them. Chad opened his and got a donut. That’s it. He just had to eat the donut. Tina, not so lucky… I brought back the infamous surströmming. Now anyone who know what surströmming is, knows it is not to be messed with. Once you smell it, you will remember that smell for the rest of your life. It is a lightly-salted, fermented Baltic Sea herring. Read more about it here. It is considered a delicacy in small doses, but that’s not what we do here. I had to open it as it was bulging from the fermentation. As soon as it cracked open, it cleared the garage. Trust me… this is not a good smell; it smells like death. She had to take five large bites for completion. In the end, she did it, but not without struggle of course.

Now, for the record, we thought after Tina finished the surströmming, that she peed her pants as her pants were wet. We thought she coughed, gagged, and puked so hard that she let it all go. Upon editing the complete video, I noticed that she kept her beer bottle between her legs in the event before, called Can of Unhappiness, where her and her son had to eat canned hamburgers. And let me tell you, these hamburgers were TERRIBLE! While she was eating and gagging during that event, her beer bottle kept spilling on her pants. Thanks to the video footage, no pee-pee pants happened as we thought. But Tina puked in season VII for the sprite and two banana challenge called If You're Gonna Spew, and in this season with the surströmming, it all came back up. She becomes the sixth puker at SchneL’s Game in eight seasons.

After Tina completed, no one wanted to be near her as the smell from the fermented fish was pungent. Poor girl. She completed the Gladiator and received the trophy. She fucking earned it. After the smell dissipated, Tyler had been practicing some magic tricks for a while and decided to put on a show for us. To be honest, his tricks were very impressive and he put on a great show to close out the night. Good times.

Tyler blowing minds

There were 30 people that came (including me), and a total of 20 events this season.

Season VII delivered the most spanks out of any season so far at 31! Unreal! There were a few spanks that were a little hard, so in season VIII I’m going to let people know we’re not here to hurt others but to have a good time. It is an oak paddle, the hardest wood, so sometimes people don’t realize how much it hurts. But I think that was the reason for the hardest spanks this season, revenge. One spank even broke a button on Rod’s pants!

Once again Erin brought some munchies, dip, and desserts, and we all kicked back and had a few drinks and enjoyed the magic show. I only had two beers throughout the night but Vince and Kathryn brought some delicious Plum Brandy that caught me up.

As usual, I compiled a blooper and highlight reel with the Spankilation (a compilation of all the spanks). As per every year, that video was only sent out to those who attended (just like the full video), to protect those who don’t want people seeing their ass being paddled on the internet and save them the embarrassment. Contact me for the password, but I did the slideshow of all the pics collected of course! Check it:

On a personal note very close to my heart, my father passed away on January 8th, 2020. The game was always held in his garage. He loved playing and always welcomed everybody to his house and garage and made sure you have fun. We partied there every year since its inception in 2013. He was always the first person to help me set up, the last person to close the party, and the first person to help me clean up. Every year, him and I would set up the night before. He’d be sitting on the couch in the garage like he is in the pictures below, having a drink with me, and keeping me company as I prepped all the events for the next day. I’m really going to miss that.

My father, Mark, was a true player of SchneL’s Game and was the best at it. He loved it. Here’s a list of his history throughout the game:

In late 2019, he sold his house and the plan was to buy an RV and travel down south. So last year I knew it’d be the last year in his garage, I just didn’t know it’d be the last year with him. As my friend Darcy said, “it’s another example that we all have to live for the moment and pursue our dreams.” And that’s exactly what my game has always been about, trying new things and pushing your physical and mental boundaries to their limits. Mental boundaries are imaginary and the physical states are tangible–which means they are fragile, bendable, and breakable. There’s nothing to be scared of, all it takes is a little self-confidence. If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Besides, there's no point in living if you can't feel alive.

Going forward, during the Welcome Initiation, I will now always ask everyone to raise a glass or have a shot to toast the greatest person who’s ever played SchneL’s Game… my father, Mark.

Damn I miss you pops.

Mark Schnellback RIP

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON VIII
SATURDAY AUGUST 15TH, 2020 — 4:20pm

At the height of a worldwide pandemic… SchneL's Game season VII was held on August 15th, 2020, at 4:20 pm. At the time, due to COVID-19, face masks were mandatory in all indoor spaces, and outdoor gatherings were limited to 30 people. There were 272 active cases in Calgary (1,036 in Alberta), 106 deaths (221 in Alberta), and 13 people were in ICU and 48 people in the hospital province-wide. Everything changed. I was working from home since March 19th, 2020, Canada closed the borders to all non-essential travel, Calgary Transit had seating restrictions with people entering from the rear doors. Many events were cancelled, including the Calgary Stampede, Calgary Stampeders football games, Beerfest, Comic-Con, Folk Fest, and many live shows, including Rage Against the Machine which I had tickets to. The world was on hold.

The city of Calgary COVID map the day before season VIII

On average, I usually have roughly 30 people attend each year. I no longer had my father’s garage to host it where we previously held every single SchneL’s Game, but we just moved to a new house in June and had a nice, new, big backyard. Cases weren’t too high at the time, and social distancing, sanitizer, and masks ensured SchneL’s Game could go ahead. I decided to host the eighth year with some protective measures of course. I sent out the usual teaser trailer highlighting the crazy year to get everyone excited. See below:

Saturday morning, I prepared. As this was the first year at a new location and outside, I hoped it wouldn’t rain. We did get lucky with the weather as it was a beautiful day. The new backyard was big so we had lots of room to stretch out and maintain a safe distance from one and another. I also implemented a few more safety precautions: my friend Neill brought a digital thermometer to take everyone’s temperature, I bought about 12L of hand sanitizer with glass spray bottles I placed throughout the backyard and in the washroom, I bought hundreds of latex gloves, we strategically placed lawn chairs to maintain social distancing, and every event Natalie and I prepared we used gloves and it sat for a minimum of 48 hours untouched. I mentioned to everyone before they came to bring their own booze, coolers, and lawn chairs. That way, there’s fewer touch-points. I also sent out a parking map so I wouldn’t piss off my new neighbours by filling the block with cars. My sister Kristel came early to help Nat and I set up, and we were ready for season VIII.

As usual, I had my ref list to keep me organized. The blue P’s indicate prizes for the winner, green A’s are All-Plays where every chip is the black chip, the red 1SE is to remind me to get my 1 Second Everyday video, and the gold Award is a reminder to give out the Gladiator trophy at the end.

Sixteen events seemed to be a perfect amount. With COVID-19, the game had to change. I decided to keep spanks and the bodily-fluid-expelling events to a minimum (that didn’t turn out so well, but more on that later). I did revamp the chip draw method. Usually, all chips go into the purple Crown Royal bag, and each person then pulled their chip from the bag. With COVID, this wouldn’t work. At first, I bought a bingo brass cage off Amazon. I thought that’d work perfectly! Every person would be assigned a letter/number as they came in. We’d throw the balls all in, spin ‘er up, and draw the “black chip.” It seems great, right? Well after the first draw, Natalie and I realized it was a terrible idea. For the next draw, we’d have to pull all the balls out and then go through each one finding everyone’s numbers, then find out who wanted to play next hand, then put them back into the cage. It was a huge time suck. We scrapped that idea, and I returned it to Amazon promptly. 

Didn’t make the cut

We decided the best method was to remain with the chips. The new process was for Natalie, Kristel, or Doug to ask each person if they wanted to play that hand. If they said yes, we'd place a chip in the purple Crown Royal bag like we always did. Then, for the draw, instead of everyone reaching in the bag, Natalie (or Kristel or Doug) would wear latex gloves and walk behind who played that hand and drop the chip into their hands behind their back. They would close their hands and hold onto the chip until the reveal. Once done with the chip, we had a pot filled with hand sanitizer that touched chips were thrown into, never to be reused twice. This method worked great. Socially distanced, sanitized, and safe.

Boozy chips

This year there were a few events that I needed to build. My cousin Shane offered a hand as he’s a carpenter, and he was a huge help. He helped me make the Beer Puppeteer, and he built and painted the Plinko board on his CNC machine himself. They were both hit events this year. Shane also recommended a local shop Signarama to print off some stickers for the gadgets, so I got many SchneL’s Game skulls printed up. They were a nice touch. Not only did Shane use his exceptional Jesus skills to create something from nothing, but I also bought a giant beef brisket, and Shane smoked it overnight in his smoker so everyone could chow down after the game. It was the most tender brisket you have ever tasted and had a fantastic smoke ring on it. I should’ve taken a picture, but we all devoured it so quickly. It was that good! Thanks cuz, you were a huge help and contributed so much. I genuinely appreciate it.

Everyone started to arrive, and Neill took the temperature of every person. Everyone accepted, and temperatures were all spot on. People were quieter than in previous years, but it was expected as there were many people there, and I’m sure people weren’t used to going out in the pandemic. People wore masks and social distanced.

Kickin’ it off

We started right off the bat taking care of business. We never spanked Dave for the Gladiator loss (regardless of how controversial it was) from season VI. Dave didn’t attend season VII, but came this year. So I said, “hey new bloods, want to see an example of a spank??” Everyone said yes. So Shane spanked Dave once. I thought it was suiting since Shane beat him at the season VI Gladiator event. Dave was a good sport and we moved on. We started with the usual Welcome initiation involving the Tough Guy shot with all the new people. Before we did the event, I decided to dedicate the traditional Tough Guy shot for every year going forward to the best person who’s ever played SchneL’s Game, my father, Mark. Since he passed away in January of 2020 and this was not at his place but a new location, I thought we could honour him every year by starting the game off with a shot while the new bloods did their Tough Guy shot. My dad had an unopened 1.75L bottle of Crown Royal in his house that I brought out, and many of us made a toast to him with his whisky. It was great. I missed him huge this year.

Having a shot for pops

As mentioned above, I tried to keep the bodily-fluid-expelling events reigned in due to COVID, but that didn’t go according to plan. This year I had a few highly spicy events. I brought back the Paqui One Chip Challenge. I had two tortilla chips for the event, with two more chips for anyone that would like to volunteer and try it at their own will. At 2,200,000 Scoville units, I warned everyone this was no joke. Lori and Reid received the black chips, and Gene and Mike wanted to try them. We did this challenge in season V with Vanessa taking it like a champ. She made it look easy. This year beat down everybody. Reid ended up washing his mouth out with soap, Gene was breathing heavily, Lori was burning, and Mike… well, it really got to him, and he peaced out after this event. Let's just say Mike officially became the seventh puker at SchneL’s Game. Props to him trying it on his own free will though, impressive.

Another spicy event was The Toe of Satan. It was a lollipop that carried a 9 million Scoville unit chilli extract! Insane! Of course, it went to Gene. Poor guy finished a 2.2 million Scoville chip earlier. The event required Gene to hold it in his mouth for as long as he could. Like a champ, he closed out the required challenge at the max of five minutes. A few minutes later, Gene was lying down on the grass. He said, “I’m fine. I just need to lay down.” Well-deserved Gene, well done.

“I just need to be horizontal for a bit.” ~ Gene

It burns, burns, burns…

In season VI, we did the Death Nut Challenge. They recently came out with a new challenge called the Tube of Terror. It contained 30-45 of the world’s hottest peanuts completely smothered with these insanely hot, tongue torching peppers: Carolina Reaper Peppers, Trinidad Moruga Scorpion Peppers, Pot Brain Strain Peppers (x7), Pot Duglah Peppers (x7), Bhut Jolokia (Ghost) Peppers, and all-natural pure Capsaicin crystals measuring 13,000,000 Scoville units! I watched L.A. Beast accomplish this task here and knew this would be a great idea. Because L.A. Beast started hallucinating, I thought it’d be best to split it up between four people. The unlucky four were Mohammed, Parisa, Paula, and Shane. Mohammed downed all of his in one shot, Parisa decided to take the spank, Paula got through them quite nicely, and Shane took one and said, "I'm not doing good. I'm not doing good at all, and I only ate one."

The last spicy event was part of the Gladiator. Chad and his girlfriend, Jacquie, each got the final black chips and went head to head. Each person had to consume the Lil' Nitro: The World's Hottest Gummy Bear. These suckers were also 9 million Scoville units. Surprisingly, they both downed them without chewing at the start of the Gladiator event and continued to the rest of the challenge. Easy peasy. Chad went on to beat Jacquie and claimed his third Gladiator championship, tying my late father for most Gladiator wins.

Chad’s third Gladiator win

Once again, I decided to do a 50/50. Before everyone came, I asked them (including their guests–playing or not) to bring a monetary donation of their choice. It could be any amount–a penny, $5, $20, whatever. On average, the amount donated was $20. We did the draw, and Gene won $475.65! He also won another $40 at Plinko, bringing Gene’s haul to $515.65. Not a bad day.

The only event you want the black chip

Back in the day, My bro and I did some video work through our production company BloodBros Productions with a local magician named Michael Berends. Check out our old skool, non-HD, Michael vids on the BloodBros Productions website under Portfolio > Corporate Vids. We haven’t seen Michael in over ten years, but I still kept in contact with him on Facebook, inviting him every year to the game. This year I thought it’d be great to ask him to the game and see if he’d pull out some of his mind-blowing magic in-between some events. He happily obliged for some intermission entertainment, and the people loved it. He started with a light-hearted show where he pulled Darcy and my sister up and made them do the trick by getting them to read his cue cards. He even made Darcy come up with a stage name on the spot. Darcy came up with, “the amazing DARKON!” Hilarious! We planned for three magic breaks, but Mike ended up doing five intermissions, with some having multiple tricks because everyone loved it so much. They just got better and better. It was roughly 35 minutes of magic in total. Thanks Mike! You killed it as usual.

Honestly, I could go on and on about each event this year as it was a great season. From Mike in the inflatable T-Rex costume walking over 15ft of LEGO in his bare feet, Paula having a full meal between the hot dog infused Rice Krispie square and the SpaghettiOs Jello, Jacquie downing the milk Twinkie smoothie, the reactions of the bird’s nest soup and whipped coffee, the dried Zebra Tarantula we ate, and the Beer Puppeteer… oh the Beer Puppeteer. Here’s a clip of Darcy and the Beer Puppeteer. Good times.

There were 35 people that came (including myself and baby Olivia), the most ever, and 16 events this season.

I tried to tone down this year’s events to keep social distancing at a minimum, but it seems people preferred to take the spanks. This year there was a total of 23 spanks. It hasn’t been this low since season III, so I guess it kind of worked.

I compiled a blooper and highlight reel with the Spankilation (a compilation of all the spanks). As per every year, that video was only sent out to those who attended (just like the full video) to protect those who don’t want people seeing their ass being paddled on the internet and save them the embarrassment. Contact me for the password, but I did the slideshow of all the pics collected of course! Check it:

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON IX
SATURDAY AUGUST 21ST, 2021 — 4:20pm

Ooooooh eeeee! What a year! This was the most people by far from any other year. I think it’s because everyone was at home for COVID, and now they wanted to get out. Either way, it was fantastic! SchneL's Game season IX took place on Saturday, August 21st, 2021, at the usual time of 4:20 PM. In regards to COVID, that weekend had 1,600 active cases in Calgary. So it was relaxed, just not completely COVID-free. We had the same COVID protocols, such as latex gloves and a shit ton of hand sanitizer, but most were vaccinated, so it was great to mingle and not wear masks. I have to say… it felt good to have a big party again.

COVID stats as of the game weekend

As it’s now held in my backyard, I have to watch out for the weather. I was kept my eye on the forecast weeks before, and everything looked great! Rain every other day, EXCEPT game day! It was almost too good to be true. Just in case, I did prepare, and I bought a 30' x 50’ clear tarp from Amazon to drape in the tree canopy. As the day started, the forecast looked good, a high of 17° and a 20% chance of rain, so no tarp was needed. Well that’s good, I returned it to Amazon unopened.

The morning started with the sun out and brightly shining, it was nice and hot! Then, as the afternoon progressed, the clouds began to roll in, and it cooled off. Later in the afternoon, there was light mist and sprinkles here and there, most of which were caught from the tree canopy above us. It was perfect; not hot, but not cold, but sweater weather for sure. As the evening came, it did get a bit chilly. I realized that August might be a bit too late in the year to host outdoors.

As usual, I put together a little teaser vid a few months before to get everyone pumped for it. Check it out…

Before season IX, there had been roughly 175 spanks delivered throughout the years, so I decided to revamp the hazing paddle with a new design. My good friend Michael Berends has a woodworking business where he does all kinds of custom woodwork, and he said, “I can do it!” From laser etching, resin-filled charcuterie boards, and much more. Check him out on Facebook at MB Woodwerx. So I designed a pattern on Photoshop, he laser-etched it, and it turned out fan-fucking-tastic! I am so happy with it. When I bought this off eBay in 2013, I asked the seller if he’d engrave it. He said sure and then used a wood-burning tool to write SchneL and FAH-Q. It was so shitty. Mike blew it out of the water and even resealed it. He did such a fantastic job. Thanks Mike, your work will see many asses in the years to come!

For the eight previous years, I have let people use the washroom inside the house – whether my father’s house or ours. No more. This year I finally rented a porta-potty. BEST. DECISION. EVER. I was able to lock the house, and no one went inside. No mess, and I didn’t have to worry about randoms in the house. It was only $210 for the weekend, including drop-off and pick-up. It is now a staple for every year. My brother Doug was so kind as to take a picture of the inside for us below. Also, we had the seventh puker over the years – Danielle. However, it was not the result of my game but from too much drinking. I’m still counting it though! I feel bad for her puking in that well-used porta-potty at the night’s end! Stinky! But hey… it’s a life experience!

Seven things to do today, seven things to do.

As usual, I had my ref list to keep me organized. I print one out for Natalie too, since she’s also helping me with everything. It’s an excellent way to keep track. The blue P’s indicate prizes for the winner, green A’s are All-Plays where every chip is the black chip, the red 1SE reminds me to get my 1 Second Everyday video, and the gold Award is a reminder to give out the Gladiator trophy at the end. In my opinion, 17 events was a bit much. In between events 14 and 15, I felt like it should’ve ended. I even cut three events from this season when planning and moved them to season X (two of which I already cut from there). I keep an idea list of future events on my phone that would fill another five seasons easily. Throughout the year, people send me ideas that they think would make cool future events – I love that. There are always new TikTok/YouTube challenges, some new eating trend, or an iconic scene from a film I watched that I think would make a creative challenge. There’s definitely no shortage of ideas for future events.

To start this year off with a bang, I ordered Nyotaimori. This was pretty damn neat. It’s not something you can just order on Skip The Dishes; it’s quite the process. I hired a legitimate Sushi Chef whose name was Akiyoshi. Before anyone arrived, the sushi chef showed up with two assistants and a cooler of pre-made, hand-rolled sushi and sashimi. I ordered spicy tuna, California rolls, and sashimi (which was the majority as it’s my favourite); two-hundred pieces in total. Then, the model showed up. She went inside my house to prepare and then came outside topless. I had a pillow, a yoga mat, and a black sheet covering the game table. She jumped up and laid down, and Aki and the two assistants started laying banana leaves on her. Then they placed the super fresh sushi and sashimi on the banana leaves. It was incredible; her body warmth kept the sushi slightly warm. It was quite an experience. When everyone started showing up, they were shocked. Hardly anyone ate any of the sushi. I guess it weirded them out. Brendan held an umbrella over her head as it was very lightly raining, almost like misting. Once everyone was there at 4:20 PM, we removed all the sushi and sashimi from her body to a plate, helped the model up, and she went inside to clean up. Once the sushi was off the model, people gobbled it up. I then started my introduction speech to roughly 50 people.

Gentleman on duty. At the request of the model, her face is covered.

I did my normal intro speech, but as I started, I realized there were roughly 50 people there, and I got a bit nervous. Once I realized it was all my friends and family, it quickly passed. A bit of a moment though, wow. This year I thought it’d be nice to do a few shoutouts to my friends that run local businesses and events. I shouted out my realtor Zee Zabian for being such a great gent, a new friend, and finding us such a beautiful home, his wife Helena for her locally owned Gelous Spa, my friend Darcy Parke for his Legacy Spiritleaf store, and the two most excellent rock dudes Beau Shiminsky and Randy Legault of the BEER RUM & ROCK N ROLL podcast. It’s one of my favs; check it out!

Listen to me ramble on

This year I thought I’d try something new. I wasn’t sure how well it’d play out, and my bro said it’d be too complicated, but it was a crowd-pleaser and did very well! I implemented a game I found online that would be played alongside the regular game called Tag ‘em and Bag ‘em. How it works is I placed a clothespin on the game table. Someone could grab it and sneakily clip it onto someone else. Afterwards, they call out via the bullhorn, “Tag ’em and bag ’em!” Then I count down from five as each guest searches to see if they were clipped. If the tagged person doesn’t pull off the clothespin before the countdown ends, they get spanked. If the tagged person finds the clothespin, they get to spank the tagger. A few rules I had were that you could only tag people playing in the game, and Kristel, Natalie, Doug, or myself couldn’t be tagged because we’re constantly keeping the main game going. This game was a complete success! People were tagged and bagged 17 times, and it didn’t always work out for the tagger.

Let me tell you about a few events that were absolute crowd-pleasers. By far, my absolute favourite this year was Pizza Face Down. It consisted of two people (Shane and Wes) who would play paper, rock, scissors with the winner smashing the loser's face into a raw pizza while I added more and more ingredients each time. It was a TON of laughs. Check the slideshow below.

Another moment of gold was when Garrett (my sister’s fiancé) pulled the black chip for both sandwich events. First, he pulled the black chip for All Shook Up, this year’s annual blender smoothie event. It was Elvis’ favourite sandwich: a bacon, banana, peanut butter sandwich, fried, and blended with milk. He downed it like a champ! Then, later that evening, he also got the second sandwich event called It Ain’t Easy Being Cheesy. Garrett had to consume a Mountain Dew Grilled Cheese sandwich Natalie made for this event. Once again, (Garrett, now the king of sandwiches), completed it easily. It looked horrific but was not bad. Natalie was requested to make a few more for the crowd, and she did! If you’re interested, here’s the recipe. Check out Garrett’s dual sandwich slideshow below:

Another killer event was the massive cash prize named Hit the Jackpot. Before everyone came, I asked them (including their guests – playing or not) to bring a monetary donation of their choice. It could be any amount – a penny, $5, $20, whatever. On average, the amount donated was $20. Some even donated $30 and a few $50’s! Wow! We did the draw waffle style. How waffle style works is we had everyone draw a numbered chip from the infamous velvet Crown Royal bag once they donated. We told them to remember their number or take a photo because if you forget your number, you don’t win. Then, they put it into a separate bag. Once everyone was assigned a chip, we added a black chip. When we did the draw, we pulled out every chip until we hit the black chip. Then the next chip would win. We pulled all the chips, hit the black chip, and the next chip was number 57, which was Kelli’s. This year, I gave away the most money I’ve ever given away. Last year was a whopping $475.65, and this year was $990! We kept trying to gather ten more dollars to make it a grand, no-go though.

Biggest win to date!

The other giveaway I did was an event called It’d Be a Lot Cooler If You Did. It was a line from the film Dazed and Confused, see the clip here. I bought $100 worth of swag from Darcy’s Spiritleaf store and gave it away; there were bath salts, chocolates, pre-rolls, and much more. I was worried about someone getting it that didn’t smoke pot, but the funny thing is, the guy that won it, Beau, is a regular smoker, so it worked out perfectly. Fun Fact: SWAG is an acronym for Stuff We All Get.

New fiesta in the making as we speak, it’s down at the moon tower.

One event I spent a lot of time preparing for was Crown of Thorns. It consisted of four people wearing beanie caps that I painstakingly spent a few hours hot glueing tacks into. Then, they’d sit in a chair blindfolded and have to dodge swinging water balloons. As Natalie and I practice every event beforehand, this one was so much fun and the energy definitely translated to the party.

As usual, I do an All Play every year where every chip is a black chip. This year it was an event called You Got a Good Sarsaparilla? That was a line from the film The Big Lebowski, see the clip here. The event was Cronk. It was a limited edition beer made by a local microbrewery here in Calgary at Cold Garden. There’s a news article from the CBC about it here.

“Cronk came on the radar after a Calgary researcher tweeted out some vintage ads from the Calgary Herald, published in the early 1880s, and the discussion went viral. The Cold Garden Beverage Company — a Calgary microbrewery known for producing beers with whimsical names like Red Smashed in Buffalo Jump and Cake Face — decided to replicate the vintage recipe.”

Cronk is a sarsaparilla-based carbonated beer that had a very limited run, and I got my hands on a six-pack. It was more than enough for everyone to try. It wasn’t very good at all, but hey, at least we tried it; you can’t even get it anymore. I still have a bottle or two left.

I’ve been adding live performances to break up the show the last few years, and Tyler asked if he could come back and do some magic as he did for Season VII. He pulled off a crazy nail in the nose trick that had everyone asking him to stop, he guessed Chad’s card, swallowed a 4’ balloon, and pushed his wedding ring through his finger.

There were a ton of extraordinary events this year; the water war between Chad and Kelli, Jill and my boss Carl waxing their ears and nose, five people holding up a large Tupperware bin full of water only using their feet, Zee and Helena playing Plinko, and a bunch more. But it always comes down to the Gladiator. This year, I thought I’d go back to my roots. Back to the very first Gladiator. The balut. A fertilized, developing egg embryo that is boiled and eaten from the shell. I was the only one ever to attempt and complete this, so I thought it would be fitting to do it once more as it was crazy weird. Kurt and Reid drew the black chips for a face-off. After a few minutes of them gagging and forcefully swallowing, it was very close, but Reid pulled it off for his first Gladiator win as season IX Gladiator champion. So good!

Super excited season IX champion!

Once again, my terrific cousin Shane smoked an unbelievably moist brisket, and we had coleslaw, macaroni salad, and cheese buns to close down the night. A few peeps hung out, and we had a fire-pit. We were done by 11:30 PM. I was stone-cold sober as I was running so much I forgot to stop and have a drink. So I spent the next hour cleaning the entire yard. By 1 AM, it was like there was no party there.

It was a record-breaking attendance this year with 55 people (including myself) and 17 events this season.

Tag 'em and Bag 'em's

  1. Shane tagged / Marc bagged

  2. Vicki tagged / Tony bagged

  3. Chad tagged / Marc bagged

  4. Vicki tagged / Shane bagged

  5. Colin tagged / Marc bagged

  6. Chad tagged / Shane bagged

  7. Kurt tagged / Marc bagged

  8. Shane tagged / Kelli bagged

  9. Helena tagged / Zee bagged

  10. Tony tagged / Kurt bagged

  11. Beau tagged / Chad bagged

  12. Zee tagged / Helena bagged

  13. Zee tagged / Helena bagged

  14. Helena tagged / Zee bagged

  15. Chad tagged / Gene bagged

  16. James tagged / Tanice bagged

  17. Zee tagged / Helena bagged

Out of all the events, there were only 11 spanks. Good thing I implemented the Tag ‘em and Bag ‘em game which added 17 more spanks. There were four more spanks as they were re-do’s, bringing the grand total to 32! The most ever!! And we still owe Helena a spank at the start of season X! Although next year for year ten, I’ve engineered it to obtain the most spanks to date. It’ll be a ridiculous spankfest!

I compiled a blooper and highlight reel with the Spankilation (a compilation of all the spanks). As per every year, that video was only sent out to those who attended (just like the full video) to protect those who don’t want people seeing their ass being paddled on the internet and save them the embarrassment. Contact me for the password, but I did the slideshow of all the pics collected of course! Check it:

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON X
SATURDAY JULY 9TH, 2022 — 4:20pm

So let’s start off by saying this was going to be the last year I was going to host the game. I thought, ten years… what a great run. I was going to take the money I spent on these elaborate, exclusive parties every year and put it toward making a film or two as I did back in the day. Divert my creativity back into film again. I announced near the end of season ten’s game that I would end it with a bang, and this would be the last year. I was pretty drunk at this point, and watching the video later was super cringy, but I was serious and intended for it to be a surprise. A few people were pretty bummed as this was their first experience and said, “That was the best party of my life!” The rest of the night, people kept asking, “This isn’t really the last year is it?!” And in the coming months, people were pissed that I wasn’t going to do it anymore; others were saying I can’t stop now, and a few people even said they’d organize it all so I’d still do it. I realized there was no way I could stop. That, and I have enough events in my iPhone notes to fill another ten years easy! So… season XI it is.

Once again, I created a teaser video to get people pumped a few months before. Because the teaser was such an extensive shoot, I also did a pre-teaser for the teaser. Check out the pre-teaser:

Here’s the teaser video. A shot-for-shot remake of the opening of Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange. For comparison, here’s the original. In my version, I added a bunch of veteran game players and different props from years of the game placed throughout the video. Thank you to everyone who came out and helped. Everyone gave a lot of input and was super helpful. A huge thanks to Micheal Berends for filming and Paula Laing for running time. It was a blast to shoot. Check it:

Music: A Clockwork Orange - Wendy Carlos

This year, as I thought it was the last year, I engineered it so it’d have the most spanks of every game, guaranteed. And I succeeded. There’s no way I’ll top that going forward, but I say that every year. In season X, I finally did the two events I always wanted to do, such as Lard Ass Barf-o-rama and Brain Freeze If You Please. They’ve always been on my list of to-do’s, but I finally did them, and they were great!

I cut the game down to 13 events in total. In previous seasons, I always found around event thirteen that it should end then. It seemed to be a comfortable amount – not too little, not too many. Some years had +20 events! Ridiculously long.

On my ref list, I had the usual colour codes as a reminder – blue being performances, green being All Plays, red to remind me to get my 1 Second Everyday photo/video, and yellow to remember to award the Gladiator trophy to the winner.

Every year I curated a playlist on my iPhone and hooked it up to a Bluetooth speaker, and that was the music for the party. It was cool because I picked all my favourite music. I could stop it at any time, turn it up or down on a whim, and skip any songs if need be. There were a few downfalls, though. I’d go in the house, and the Bluetooth would cut out, leaving the guests with choppy music or, even worse, no music. Other issues were I couldn’t play a custom song for the event without restarting the playlist, and the music would stop if I wanted to use my camera to film. I knew I needed another option, even though I never wanted to stray from the absolute control of one of my favourite art forms.

Jer made his own black chip t-shirt for the game. Pure class.

I still keep in touch with a really good childhood friend that is a DJ now. His name is Jeremiah, and he lives in Toronto. We’ve always kept in touch, and when I did a quick stopover in Toronto in December of the year before, I realized I needed to have him DJ the game. One day at record club, I told my other good buddy Ted that I was flying Jer in to DJ the game, and I was trying to find where I could rent all the gear so he doesn’t have to fly his stuff here. Ted said, “I’m a DJ. I have a bunch of equipment you can use, no problem.” So that’s what we did. Jer flew down, stayed at my place for the weekend, and met the family. I had DJ Kid Funky J (Jer) headline, and DJ Deluxe (Ted) back him up. I will always have a DJ from now on. One less thing for me to do and to worry about, and the setlist they both had was killer. Jer had a full mix on his Seratos, and Ted spun actual 45s. It took it to the next level and was a nice touch. Thanks, Jer and Ted, much appreciated.

Jer even created and printed off a giant banner with the game motto, “See the show, be the show,” as a gift to me. Charlie, Jer, and I hung it while setting up, and it looked fantastic! Such a unique gesture. I love ya, Jer!

As usual, it was at our house, in our backyard, and outside. And as I hosted during Stampede in early July, as usual, the weather was a nail-biter. It fluctuated so much in the weeks leading up to the game – heavy rain, light rain, cloudy, sunny, etc. It stresses me right out every year. Ultimately, we did alright with a high of +23 and +11 at night. And thank god because I had two opening acts and a third show later in the evening that wouldn’t be able to perform unless the weather was clear. It did get a bit cloudy, slightly windy, and stormy looking for a few minutes later in the evening, but it passed right over, and the weather blessed us. We got lucky again. I’ve learned that late June or early July is risky for thunderstorms, and August is getting too cold. After ten years of outdoor venues, I’ve found the perfect date… I hope.

As it was season X, I decided to start it off proper. My friend Zee had a friend named Ken that had a screen-accurate Back to the Future DeLorean. As that is one of my all-time favourite movies, I contacted him and asked how much he would charge. He said, “No charge. All I ask is that you contribute to the Veteran’s Association Food Bank.” So this year, that’s what we did. Each person had to bring a food item from a list that Ken provided, and we donated to that. It turned out to be a pretty decent haul. Thanks, everyone! We had a problem, though. Because the DeLorean was screen accurate, it had many parts and attachments that prevented it from going over 50 km/h. Any faster, and everything would start flying off. The only direct path from Ken’s house to my house was Deerfoot Trail, so Tony and I rented an 8’x20’ car trailer, and Tony hauled it behind his truck to my cul-de-sac. Thanks, Tony!

The car was an absolute hit! Natalie posted on our community Facebook page telling the people of our neighbourhood to come check it out and bring food donations. Ken even gave my kids and a few neighbour’s kids a ride, activating the time circuits and entering a date before flooring it down my street. Screw the kids… I FUCKING LOVED IT! I dressed up in my Marty McFly Jr. outfit, and Ken was in his 2015 Doc outfit. Soo good! The DeLorean was a fantastic experience for people to see before coming to the backyard. Thanks again, Ken. So cool!

Ready to see some serious shit!

Right after the DeLorean, people walked into the backyard and saw a pole dancer behind the gate. Now, to be clear, she wasn’t a stripper. I asked for a stripper, but they said they don’t do that, and they’ve won multiple awards. The company I used was Aradia Fitness, and I dealt with the owner Demetra. The dancer’s name was Felicia, and man, was she talented. She was swinging all over that pole and maintaining her body weight in the air for a full hour. David and Gene paid her well, as shown in the pictures below. The stage she performed on was assembled in about 10 minutes. I asked what would happen if it started raining, and Demetra said, “We couldn’t do it.” I said, “Ah yes, it’d be slippery and probably dangerous, eh?” She said, “That too, but the pole is a lightning rod.” I honestly didn’t think of that! Again, fantastic performance and very professional. I’d highly recommend them for all your pole dancing required parties.

I kicked off the game in my SnooperBowl suit with the usual speech; house rules, game rules, and introductions. I had a few friends come from far. Of course, Jeremiah from Toronto, but also Casey and Andrew from Ireland which was an awesome surprise. Casey even had to do the Welcome Initiation. This year I invited a bunch of peeps from the Facebook record club I’m part of called CRRAC - Calgary Radical Record Auction Community (picture is missing Jodi, Chelsea, Eric, and Candace). I met many good friends in that group, and it was a lot of fun having those rag-tag bunch of misfits; it’s such a great community. There were a ton of new bloods this year too, which was perfect. We had our good friends Audrey and Justin attend as well. Justin holds a Guinness World Record for Fastest Marathon Dressed as a Cowboy. Christian and Tanya were a couple of newbies as well. Christian hosts the Thunder Lizard Collective YouTube channel, which is a bunch of dudes talking movies, making movies, podcasting, and other cool stuff. Check out his three-part short film Belly; you’ll love it. My good bud Randy from the BEER RUM & ROCK N ROLL YouTube channel brought his sister Glennis, and brother-in-law, Ray. Randy told me it was Glennis' birthday that day, a big mistake. So I decided the entire party would sing happy birthday to her; she picked the winning 50/50 chip and pulled a sword out of someones throat – more on that later.

Winner #48 goes to Twyla for $635!

This year I reached out to the hive looking for someone I could hire to come and help me set up and bring out the events. Every year I am so busy prepping and delivering the events that I only have a little time to visit guests, drink, and have fun. The last few years, I was stone-cold sober at the end, I didn’t have any time to visit with anyone, and I’m completely exhausted. Finally, I found someone through a mutual friend – enter Taylor Nodrick. I took a picture of every event on the board that it comes to the table on and put each event item into a plastic bag with the photo. I then numbered it and gave Taylor the ref list with the corresponding number. He set it up, brought it out, brought out the prize if there was one, and then took it back and set up the next event. He killed it. He didn’t screw up once and was even helping with collecting the 50/50 cash and shooting my GoPro batteries. It was a load off and allowed me to be a proper host. In fact, I was enjoying being a host and socializing so much that I drank much more, and people were constantly doing shots with me. By the night's end, I was pretty gunned and rambled on embarrassingly in parts. Even Nat had to interrupt me a few times to shut me up. Suffice to say, that video footage is now forever lost and only exists as fading memories in all those who attended minds, who were also slightly inebriated. Next year, I’ve got to pace myself. Regardless, thank you Taylor, tons! I really hope we have him back for season XI cause he was a pro right from the start, and everyone loved him. Good times.

Thanks Taylor, you helped me immensely. Much appreciated.

Alright, let’s get to the nitty-gritty of this blog post… my favourite events.

To start off, I always do the Welcome Initiation for the new bloods. The Tough Guy Shot – snort a line of salt, shoot the tequila, and squeeze a lemon in your eye. As it’s usually two people, I decided to do four this year and get them to shoot the liquor via the shotski. It turned out great! I wanted to start the game with Bang a Gong by T. Rex right as they did the salt. I motioned to the DJs to start the song, and they played it at 45 RPM instead of 33 RPM. It was bizarre, but I don’t think anyone noticed. Not the big bang intro I was hoping for, but oh well. This kickoff event is always an excellent way to show new people how the game works and give ‘em a bit of pain to set them straight.

Chug chug chug… OW!

As I mentioned, I always wanted to do Brain Freeze If You Please and Lard Ass Barf-o-rama, but always cut them from previous years. Brain Freeze If You Please was a Slurpee chugging contest. I always cut this event as I’d have to run to 7-11 before the game starts, grab Slurpees, and hope they don’t melt. Well, this year, Nat flew to 7-11 and back right before we started the game, and the event turned out better than I hoped for! A few brain freezes and headaches for sure! Paula and Cassie gave up right away, KC put up quite a fight, but Kurt walked away with the win. It’s always the events I think will be meh that turn out to be crowd-pleasers.

Boom ba bah, boom ba bah, boom!

Lard Ass Barf-o-rama was from the movie Stand By Me. It’s the tale of David “Lard Ass” Hogan in a blueberry pie-eating contest. In the film, lard ass drinks a bottle of castor oil and eats a raw egg before the contest. For this event, I used olive oil and a raw egg. I cut this event from the last four seasons because pies are damn pricey. Usually about $10-$15 a pie! I finally bit the bullet and cleared out one WalMart with ten blueberry pies and another with 6. You should’ve saw people’s faces after I bought them and stacked them walking back to the car! Four people went at it, and Ruth prevailed. Def another crowd-pleaser. Check out the clip from Stand By Me below.

As usual, we did the 50/50 called Half & Half. This season we charged everyone a mandatory entry fee of $20 for the first time ever (some people donated more), along with the food donation. This year the pot reached $1,270! I took half to cover entertainment, and Twyla won the $635. Way to go!

She said this was the first thing she’s ever won and that makes me very happy.

This was by far, my favourite year. I could go on and on about every event, but here are some of my favourite moments:

  • Can You Feel It - The Jimmy Fallon Mystery Box Challenge. Shane built me a box with holes in his shop again, and I put some weird shit in it for KC and Michelle to guess. They got everything right, but it was hilarious!

  • Electric Feel 3 - I shipped the buzz buds from San Diego in again and numbed people’s mouths for the third time. My brother-in-law Nick, also taught me that pink peppercorns have the same effect… AND THEY DO! Give it a go at home peeps!

  • Paniolo Whip - Paniolo is Hawaiian for Cowboy. I blended canned pineapple rings, Tahiti Treat with Vodka, and Spam in the two-stroke DaqWaq for my buddy Darcy. He could not do it, and either could my bro. The chuck was stripped and didn’t blend hardly at all. It has since been repaired and is good to go for season XI.

  • Schrodinger’s Carrot - Taylor had a nice spin on the Jimmy Carr game, and Ken and Andrew went at it. It was a good ol’ game of “what’s in the box,” but Audrey saw right through them and found the carrot.

  • Shaking Hands with the Milkman - A euphemism for jerking off. This was the game Cum Face. You have to jerk off faster than the other person, or you get a load of a liquid shot at you; in this case, it was milk. Whenever I whip it out at parties, people laugh so hard their face hurts. When I whip out the Cum Face game people, geez.

  • Wrap Battle - Pizza Face Down from season IX but with burrito ingredients. Ken and Christian went head to head. Christian won four of the five rock, paper, scissor challenges, and Ken got it all except the salsa.

  • Shiz-nittle-bam-snip-snap-sack - A line from Half Baked. Another $100 Spiritleaf goodie bag from Darcy. Kurt took it home.

  • Gladiator - I went hard on this one this year. Two people squared off, both new bloods – Mark and Chelsea. Nat came up with the idea, The Breakfast from Hell. So nasty. But Chelsea prevailed and took home the trophy. Way to go girl!

Chelsea is a beast!

I also brought back Tag ‘em and Bag ‘em. It was a popular game last season. I used a super small clothespin this year to make it even harder. Surprisingly, many people still find it which is impressive, especially since it is so tiny. There were 13 tags in total, which adds to the final spank count and livens up the game. I enjoy watching the “I’ll get you back” sneakiness of it all. It’s a ton of fun.

By far, my absolute favourite event was The Man with the Umbrella. I recreated the Squid Game challenge with the dalonga cookies. This was a definite crowd-pleaser. If you haven’t seen the show, here’s a clip of the challenge. It was Tony, Vicki, Benji, and Colin squaring off. I had Taylor, Shane, and Natalie dressed in Squid Game costumes and masks, and I was dressed as the Boss. We walked out to the theme song and presented each contestant with a choice of can that included the cookie and needle. The cookies available inside the cans were two stars, one triangle, and one umbrella, with the umbrella being the hardest to do. Benji cracked right away, then Colin, then Tony, who had the umbrella. Vicki won by default.

The entertainment this year was by far the best to date. To start it off, Michael Berends returned for another year. He’s always so much fun to watch and puts on a show. This season he pulled Dani up and did the money in the lemon trick. Dani had a good laugh, and it was pretty entertaining. Michael always kills it; thanks bud!

For the halftime show, I was looking to hire a sword swallower. To be honest, they are not easy to find. I tried to find one for last year and couldn’t. This year I finally found one – Lindsay Istace. It was quite the performance. A sword-swallowing, fire-breathing, contortionist extraordinaire! I purposefully let it slip that it was Glennis’ birthday as well, so Lindsay pulled her up and made her do all sorts of performances. It was perfect! But honestly, Lindsay’s show was jaw-dropping. You can hear me oohing and awwing in the full Season X video. I was very impressed at the whole show and the skill and talent it takes to perform such feats. Thanks Lindsay!

Every year my grass in the yard gets beat to shit. But with a bit of TLC, I always bring it back. Soon, I'll have to move to a different venue as it's getting too big for the backyard. But I like it here because I don't have to haul everything somewhere, close up shop and clean up afterwards, and I can go inside and crash afterwards. But it's getting to the point where I have no choice. Sponsors and a bigger venue are imminent.

At the end, we ate just like every year. Shane smoked four pork butts and used his meat-shredding claws to make succulent pulled pork. He also smoked some beans simultaneously, and we had buns, BBQ and hot sauces; Paula made a delicious coleslaw, Erin made a scrumptious potato salad, and Nat made a crazy good street corn. Damn, my mouth is watering just thinking of it. Surprisingly, no leftover blueberry pie.

This year was a record-breaking attendance with 63 people (including myself) and 13 events this season.

Tag 'em and Bag 'em's

  1. Geoff tagged / Shane bagged

  2. Paula tagged / Eric bagged

  3. Geoff tagged / Kurt bagged

  4. Louie tagged / Kurt bagged

  5. Chad tagged / Shane bagged

  6. Dani tagged / Shane bagged

  7. Andrew tagged / Eric bagged

  8. David tagged / Ruth bagged

  9. JL tagged / Shane bagged

  10. Kurt tagged / Geoff bagged

  11. Randy tagged / Tony bagged

  12. Shane tagged / Dani bagged

  13. Andrew tagged / Kurt bagged

As stated above, I engineered this season to be the most spanks. And it was, by a goddamn long shot. This year was one spank shy of doubling the most spanks ever from last season. In total, 66 spanks were dolled out. Crazy! Those poor asses.

I compiled a blooper and highlight reel with the Spankilation (a compilation of all the spanks). Every year, that video was only sent out to those who attended (just like the full video) to protect those who don’t want people seeing their ass being paddled on the internet and save them the embarrassment. Contact me for the password, but I did the slideshow of all the collected pics of course! Check it:

As I write this blog, I realize how lucky I am to have so many people that care and help me each year pull this together. I am so thankful to have such great friends. Thank you to everyone who pitches in. Whether it be entertaining, bringing food for the afterparty, hooking me up with contacts, providing materials or equipment, helping me build these crazy ideas I get, helping gather chips during the game, helping run the game, and so much more. You know who you are. You don’t realize how much that helps, and I want you to know I notice it and truly appreciate it. It’s like planning a wedding every year. It takes a ton of work to organize and deliver all aspects of this intricate game, and I couldn’t do it without a lot of you. Especially Natalie. She takes a lot of my crazy ideas and syphons them into something cohesive and palatable and not so psychotic. She also puts up with a lot of my shit, and I make her test everything. But it’s always worth it in the end. Thank you everyone—much love.

So that’s it; that’s season X. That would’ve been the last year, and it would’ve been a spectacular ending, but many of you want me to keep rolling. So let’s roll. Next year it’s time to push it a bit further. A bit more extreme. I’m going to test some boundaries but it’ll be worth it.

I’m often told by many that this was the best party they’ve ever been to in their life. No joke. This game is truly an event to be experienced. I document it here for my friends, for my kids when they get older, and myself, but the game is an entirely different animal in person. This game has a very terrifying reputation by word of mouth. But remember, reputation is what people think of you; character is what you are. And this game has a fucking fantastically fun character.

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON XI
SATURDAY JULY 29TH, 2022 — 4:20pm

SchneL's Game Season XI. What can I say… WOW! This year had the most turnout of any other year. I made it invite-only because there was an overwhelming demand, and we still reached a record number. About another 100 people on the waitlist didn't make the cut, but they'll definitely be invited next year.

For the teaser video, I recreated a scene from one of my favourite movies, American Psycho. I did a shot-for-shot recreation implementing references to the game, much like last year’s teaser video for Clockwork Orange. For comparison, here’s the original. I had help from Gene – my murder victim; Misaki was the blood wrangler, and Natalie even did some videography. Thank you Gene, Misaki, and Natalie! A massive shout-out to you three. It was a ton of fun, and I was pretty happy with how it turned out. Check it out below:

Thirteen events are usually the perfect amount, but Tag ‘em and Bag ‘em went crazy this year and took up a lot of time. I’ll have to curb that a bit next year. I had a few returning fan favourites such as The Bitter Taste of Defeat from Season III (which didn’t work as the tube had micro-cracks and wouldn’t hold pressure), All I Peel is Sadness from Season VI (which was cut due to time restraints), Big Jugs from Season VII, and even the infamous Twinkie Wiener Sandwich from Season III that I brought back for the Gladiator, but with a slight twist.

On my ref list, I had the usual colour codes—blue for performances, green for All Plays, red to remind me to get my 1 Second Everyday photo/video, and yellow to remember to award the Gladiator trophy to the winner. This year, I added orange to the numbers to note that those events had prizes for the winners.

Back by popular demand, DJ DELUXE, aka Ted Dodyk, was spinning the beats for the party. Throughout the game, I was getting compliments on how good the music was. I took a wee bit of credit as I chose songs specifically for the events, but absolutely everything else is all DELUXE. I know he has amazing taste in music, and I fully trust his experience. I always allow anyone that helps perform or entertain 100% creative freedom. Encouraging others to showcase their artistry creates a richer, more diverse array of creativity, enhancing the depth and meaning of our shared experiences during the game. DELUXE seamlessly blended my planned tracks with additional songs that kept the energy high and the vibe just right. He has a sixth sense of what would keep the party going, even if it meant throwing in a cheesy classic or two. I have the utmost respect and appreciation for his talents. Thanks Ted!

The man, the legend, DJ DELUXE - Ted Dodyk

My friend Brendan Hunter suggested we capture additional video footage for the B-roll and promotional material. He brought two Sony PXW-FS7 cameras and enlisted another videographer, Erik Bauer, to assist. They roamed around in the background, capturing extra footage for our edits. Unfortunately, the cameras performed poorly in low light, resulting in grainy footage after sunset. No worries, we got everything we needed. Thank you, Brendan and Erik; I really appreciate it. Having more footage is always a good thing. Despite my requests, people rarely send me their videos, even though I often see them recording during events when I’m editing. Over the past eleven years, the GoPro has been a reliable tool, providing up-close and personal footage as it’s integrated into the gameplay. However, it really sucks when someone forgets to record and misses capturing an event, or they don’t pay attention to the camera and don’t film anything. This year, the GoPro MAX battery overheated, causing it to burst and destroy the memory card, resulting in the loss of all the first half of the 360° footage. Oh well, the footage turned out great regardless.

The eyes in the sky

A special thank you to Ian Byers, the mad scientist behind the Daq-Waq. This guy took a weed whacker, looked at it, and thought, "You know what this needs? A blender!" And just like that, the Daq-Waq was born. I've been whipping up crazy concoctions with this gas-guzzling beast for the last four years. Before that, it was in a regular old food processor. We’ve used it for events such as Cream Filled Long One (Twinkies and milk), All Shook Up (A fried peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich with milk), Paniolo Whip (Spam, Tahiti Treat with vodka, and sliced pineapple), and this year’s Why Doves Cry (Prince’s favourite meal – orange juice and spaghetti with tomato sauce). This year, Ian finally graced us with his presence, along with his wife, Chantalle. He's never charged me a dime for using this party starter, and let me tell you, it never fails to get the crowd buzzing. Cheers to you, Ian!

Yes, that’s Todd in a Borat thong. I gave it away as a prize

In season X, I decided to get some help with the events and brought in Taylor Nodrick to organize and manage them. He did an excellent job, but unfortunately, he couldn't join us this year due to prior commitments. So, Ted suggested his son, Lincoln. I have a strict rule that this party is for those 18 and older—no exceptions – for obvious reasons. However, Lincoln was almost 18, so I figured this could be a great initiation into manhood. He was on his feet non-stop, ensuring the game stayed on course. Managing an event like this requires juggling a lot of moving parts and timing, so any assistance is invaluable to me. Lincoln not only vibed with everyone but also did an outstanding job! He didn't make a single mistake and was always ready to jump in. He's already expressed his willingness to help out with Season XII, so keep an eye out for him next year. Thanks so much, Linc! Much appreciated.

Again, as it’s an outdoor event, this year we got lucky! It was a perfect sunny 22° summer day – not too cold, not too hot. Thankfully, because once again, I had three performances that required outdoor spaces. The first entertainers were on the front lawn as the guests arrived at my house. They were a bunch of fucking animals. No, seriously… it was Allen the Alpaca and his friends. We had Allen the Alpaca, Sparkle the miniature horse, Nacho the mini donkey, two goats named Frank and Gary, and two bunnies, Flower and Mini. Natalie was in charge of managing Allen, and he gave her quite the workout. Despite being all fur and quite slim, he's got a surprising amount of energy and led Natalie all over our property. Thanks to Zee, I had a wild inflatable tube man out front, but I had to switch it off when the animals arrived since it was spooking them.

This year, I purchased a red Adidas tracksuit for the festivities. It was so goddamn comfortable! I walked in and had a new wireless headset to use. I put it on and started talking, and I immediately felt like the Slap Chop guy. I mentioned that, and everyone laughed. I knew I had a Slap Chop as a prize for later in the game under the table, so I pulled an audible and gave it away while wearing the headset to a newblood I saw in the audience named Joey. I took the headset off immediately. I didn’t like it. I then started with the usual speech, house rules, game rules, and introductions.

I'm a huge fan of Stanley Kubrick and one of my favourite films of his is Eyes Wide Shut. After my speech, I decided to “sanctify the ground” by reenacting the ritual scene from the movie. You can catch the beginning of that scene here. It doesn't show the full scene with the nudity or Tom Cruise uttering Fidelio and being put on the spot, but you'll get the gist. If you haven't seen it, I recommend watching it! However, be warned, it's not for everyone, but it's an incredible piece of art.

I bought a red cloak and a replica mask worn by the ritual leader only known as Red Cloak in the film. Fun Fact: the mask is modelled after actor Peter Lorre, and Red Cloak is portrayed by Leon Vitali, who played Lord Bullingdon in Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon. I stood at the table, lit some sage in a burner, and had DJ DELUXE start playing Masked Ball by Jocelyn Pook, the eerie song used in the movie during the ritual. The lyrics are a Romanian chant played backward.

Then, I had two women and a man walk out in masks and black robes. I clapped above my head, and they disrobed, revealing their nudity. Let me tell you, I've had nude performers at my events before, but this, with the red cloak, mask, burning sage, and unsettling music, truly shocked people. There was no talking or smiling. They were in awe. It was spectacular.

Ok, let’s talk about the games. As usual, I had 13 events. The 1SE (1 Second Everyday) photo and Food and Halftime Show aren’t events, just reminders for me to complete them. We did all of the events except for All I Peel is Sadness because the Tag 'em and Bag ‘em was going so much that it started eating up time.

I’ll now blab about a few of my favs from this season. One event that I've been eager to host since the game’s inception is called Ahhh… Dessert. If you had to guess a weird food scene from an '80s movie, what would it be? There's only one answer, of course: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. CHILLED… MONKEY… BRAINS! And I finally got to bring it to life!

I found these eerie monkey head planters on Etsy, which were perfect for the setup. I then sourced some fluffy fabric from Fabricland to mimic the hair. For the main attraction, I ordered the brains. These were the same brains we used in Do You Still Dream of the Lambs in Season III, Balls Deep in Season V, and Brains or Brawn in Season VI. The infamous Pork Brains in Milk Gravy. Check out the iconic Indy clip here:

This event featured six competitors. Scott and Dani immediately refused and opted for the paddling, so Geoff and Benji stepped in. I started the event and had DELUXE play Anything Goes by Kate Capshaw, reminiscent of Indiana Jones. Fun Fact: Capshaw sang the song in Mandarin. Immediately, there was a strong reaction. Most participants took a bite or two before choosing to opt-out. Geoff really, really tried, but in the end, he spit it out. Benji consumed the brains in record time, while Shane finished after a few minutes. Ultimately, five participants chose the paddle.

Another highlight was The Coolest Smore You’ll Ever Make. I managed to get my hands on a Boring Flamethrower online. The first one I ordered on eBay was confiscated at the border. I got a refund, but I think the seller lost the flamethrower. The second one came from Victoria, BC, so I was confident it wouldn't be confiscated since it wasn't crossing an international border, and I wouldn't end up on some government watchlist. Who am I kidding? With all the stuff I order for the game, I'm probably already on some kind of blacklist!

For this event, I set up the graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows while playing Also Sprach Zarathustra, the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey (yet another Kubrick film). It was a nod to the Paniolo Whip event from Season X, which Darcy also participated in!

And it burns, burns, burns

Darcy, Benji, and Simmone were tasked with using the flamethrower to toast their s'mores. I made sure they were sober enough and provided a brief tutorial on how to operate the flamethrower and what to do in case of an emergency. I also had a fire extinguisher ready and gave Mel, one of the judges, a quick five-minute rundown on how and when to use it.

Each participant took turns toasting their s'mores, experimenting with different techniques. According to the judges, Simmone achieved the perfect toast. After announcing the winner, I offered $20 to anyone willing to eat the s'more. Joey stepped forward. Then, I upped the ante, saying, "I'll give you $20 if you eat it with a dried and salted tarantula on top." Aaron joined in, volunteering to take the challenge. I informed him that I also had a dried and salted scorpion. They both agreed and dug in.

I was out $40, but in return, I got a priceless dose of entertainment

Another event that really captivated the crowd was From Ukraine with Love. This was an ALL-PLAY event, meaning every chip drawn was a black chip. This year, I managed to get my hands on Pinecone Jam. Despite the name, it's not quite a jam. It's made from young green pinecones that are still tender and soaked in syrup. My first order got held up at the border, and they had to send it again (hence my mention of the watchlist earlier). I learned this particular Ukrainian family recipe dates back to the late 1800s. And let me tell you, the taste was intriguing. Ryan remarked, "They taste like a Christmas tree!" And he was right. It was a super cool experience!

The halftime show was quite an event. I hired a burlesque troupe from the top three Burlesque houses in Calgary – Glitterverse Productions, The Rhinestone Affair, and Cabaret Calgary. Baron Von Boom was our MC. He was fantastic and even did a land acknowledgement. I wanted to tell him we already sanctified the ground, but I let him do his thing. The three dancers were spectacular! We had Dare Reaire, Bella Gold, and for the main event, Bea Lissima. They each came out, did their thing, played with the crowd, and even did an audience participation where Geoff, Sarah, and Jackie had to do a little dance. It was good fun. I’ve never seen burlesque before, so it was a treat.

One moment from the performance was truly unforgettable. Bea Lissima, the final act, was nearing the end of her set. She sauntered up to Carl, who was sitting innocently in the audience. Then, from about 10 yards away, she turned around and launched her bra like a missile. It soared over the heads of the audience, cleared the game table, and Carl caught it in his mouth! Talk about a surprise catch! It was completely unplanned and absolutely hilarious—definitely one of the top 10 moments in the game's history. If you want to hire this troupe for your event, drop me a message, and I'll send you Ivy's contact info. They were not only super professional but also incredibly entertaining.

From left to right: Bea Lissima, Bella Gold, Dare Reaire, and Baron Von Boom

This year was record-breaking, beating last year's attendance with 80 people (including myself) and 12 events this season.

Tag 'em and Bag 'em's

  1. Jackie tagged / Chad bagged

  2. Rob tagged / Geoff bagged

  3. Ryan tagged / Kurt bagged

  4. Simmone tagged / Shane bagged

  5. Nat tagged / Marc bagged

  6. Marc tagged / Geoff bagged

  7. Rob tagged / Russ bagged

  8. Eric tagged / Rob bagged

  9. David tagged / Ryan bagged

  10. Todd tagged / Helena bagged

  11. Marc tagged / Mitch bagged

  12. Marc tagged / Shane bagged

  13. Chad tagged / Marc bagged

  14. Simmone tagged / Joey bagged

  15. Marc tagged / Mitch bagged

  16. Gene tagged / Marc bagged

  17. Ken tagged / Dani bagged

  18. Russ tagged / Eric bagged

  19. Geoff tagged / Shane bagged

  20. Geoff tagged / David bagged

  21. Russ tagged / Shane bagged

  22. Marc tagged / Shane bagged

  23. Russ tagged / David bagged

This year's spank count reached 61, just five short of last year's record of 66. While we didn't set a new record, that's still a pretty impressive number of ass-spankings!

As usual, I compiled a blooper and highlight reel with the Spankilation (a compilation of all the spanks). Every year, that video is only sent out to those who attended (just like the full video) to protect those who don’t want people seeing their ass being paddled on the internet and save them the embarrassment. If you’d like to watch it, contact me for the password. But as usual, I did the slideshow with all the pictures I collected, of course!! Check it:

Once again, the lawn took a beating, but as Season XII will now be held at a different venue, I no longer have to worry about that.

Can you guess where the table was?

So that's Season XI wrapped! Thank you to everyone who came and lent a hand during Season XI! It was a blast, with a bunch of awesome people pitching in. I even got to hang out with some old friends I hadn't seen in ages. Sure, I was running around non-stop, but seeing their smiling faces, partying it up, and backing me in my wild game is always a treat. I'm super pumped for Season XII – I'm kicking it up a notch! There’s going to be new digs, a stage, new twists, even more epic performances, and all new fresh events. If you've never been, Season XII is the year to go! I hope to see some new faces and all you regulars again for another round of craziness!

SCHNEL'S GAME SEASON XII
SATURDAY JUNE 8TH, 2024 — 4:20pm

SchneL's Game season XII will be held on my 45th birthday this year at the usual time of 4:20 PM. There has been an overwhelming demand to attend now, so I've moved it to a new location, which has yet to be disclosed, and I have opened invites for all. Anyone is invited! Even your friends! You're in as long as you reserve your spot and pay the entry fee. It’ll be capped at 175 people. If you'd like to attend, shoot me a PM here, and I’ll send you the invite on May 8th, 2024. You must confirm and pay before it reaches capacity; otherwise, you're out of luck!

The events I ordered this season are pretty, pretty good! I've got a few more tricks up my sleeve, a few more prizes, and some pretty crazy stuff planned. Seriously, some REALLY crazy stuff! I've booked some unique and talented performers to keep everyone entertained throughout the evening. Come back here early next year for a complete review.

In the meantime and in between time, check out season XII’s teaser video. It’s sexy.

THE FUTURE OF SCHNEL'S GAME

I now plan to keep doing SchneL's Game every year until the day I die. I love getting all my friends and family together, pushing boundaries, getting them to do weird shit, and having a good time. When I do kick the bucket, I want everyone to do a Tough Guy shot for me.

Possible future locations for the game could be in a large field or park covered by a tent with bleachers set up in an octagon with the table in the middle of the pit (kind of like the operating table set up in The Knick) or renting out a brewery. Eventually, I aim to get it into some local theatre and fill that sucker full. We'd play SchneL's Game on the stage and pick people from the audience with a spotlight flashing randomly at people. Another idea is to be in the middle of a stadium during a hockey or football game during intermission with cameras on the table or even a Calgary Stampede attraction. I'd love to make it a full freak-show-style event, and I think it'd do well. Basically, I need to build my own coliseum.

I also pitched it lazily to Netflix Canada as a game show in 2019. To be fair, I didn't put together much of a pitch; I just said, "Go see my blog." It was not the best way to pitch something, and it was denied, which is no surprise. I'm going to try to pitch it again. I think it'd be great if celebrities were doing events.

A few things I'd like to incorporate into future games are:

  • Topless girls with event signs (like boxing marquee round girls) and bottomless guy servers to even out the playing field.

  • Maybe somehow get little people involved.

  • I've been looking for a super-strong buff woman to wrestle someone in an event.

  • I'd also like to have a projector that displayed clips from previous seasons of SchneL's Game as we played.

  • An actual fistfight to first blood. I'd get volunteers from Craigslist - not friends/participants.

  • I want to get sponsors in and have the ability to give away a huge prize like a car or trip.

  • And last but not least... I actually want to do The Man From The South for real. That sounds crazy... yes, but I'd love to come up with cash (or car) and offer someone the chance to actually try it. With release forms signed, it can get reattached. No biggie.

 

So that's my game. Come play.

See the show. Be the show.

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